


where you'll return to me

by reonjeons



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: (very implied it's almost not there), Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Chinese Mythology & Folklore, Fate and Destiny, Implied Sexual Content, Light Angst, M/M, Reincarnation, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:41:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 35,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27489754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reonjeons/pseuds/reonjeons
Summary: An invisible red thread exists to connect those who are destined to be together. This magical cord is unbreakable. It can be twisted and trampled on, but it can never break. It can stretch and tangle, but will still bring the destined hearts together despite time, place, and circumstances. Those who  are meant to fall in love, will fall in love in the bounds of this thread. Those who are meant to be forever, will be forever in the bounds of this thread.Even within these rules of fate, it isn't an exception that someone can trip from the red thread and want a love not meant for him. But when today’s timing is not set, you can still have another life to make love happen.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno
Comments: 42
Kudos: 171
Collections: '00 FIC FEST ROUND TWO





	1. this life

**Author's Note:**

> i felt the need to say this before you read: the historical part of this fic is purely out of my knowledge and some further research. i have found many versions of the myth, so i tried my best to weave all of them together. however, there are some (very) minor changes that i did just for plot convenience.
> 
> original prompt at the end!
> 
> here's a playlist: [spotify](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7Jb68auT03mrLwSmQnLU1c?si=6u8e8WDsT82Kon_bcrnjIQ) [yt music](https://music.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL9etrIA8mF2W7M3NwbrQpVWxBDzfhRtvh) thank you to my lovely friend bon for helping me with the playlist uwu (ily lots)

Jeno pulls on the strap of his backpack, adjusting it on his shoulder. He squints his eyes to lessen the brightness of the sun invading his sight. The entrance of the building enters his line of vision, and Jeno takes the last few steps towards the promise of a roof in a small jog. The doors open automatically, and he trudges past them without a rush. The air-conditioning batters his form as soon as he steps in, and thankfully, it makes the heat disappear quickly. Jeno lets out a sigh of relief. There’s a rivulet of sweat starting to run down the mines of his back, the cool air making the warmth less uncomfortable. 

The university's library doesn't smell like old book pages and dusted shelves in history. Instead, it smells like fresh lavender as if it were a modern home, natural light streaming through little gaps of the windows’ blinds, but the fluorescent lighting is somehow still stronger. Jeno checks in with his school ID and goes directly to the OPAC section, careful to not make a sound out of his footsteps. With his bottom lip caught between his teeth, he types in the title of the book he has been meaning to find. In less than a minute, the search results give him the category: six digits that equate to the classification. He murmurs the numbers repeatedly under his breath, ingraining the numbers so he could not forget, as he passes through the front desk and rows and rows of shelved books.

Jeno arrives at the designated section. It's at one corner of the library, not so hidden but still less noticeable in the spacious three-story building. The shelves that tower over Jeno are filled with thick books, a layer of dust at the spines. This part of the library actually smells like history, a little musty, like taking a whiff of his old uncle’s attic, which is fitting since, well, it is the History section. Jeno disregards the dust that covers the spines of each book, running his index finger along them one by one, tracing over the embossed titles of the history books. Then his eyes begin to search for a specific title. 

Jeno goes over title after title, passing through different volumes and editions, from leather to cloth covers, until his wandering eyes land on the one he is looking for. He lets out a sigh of relief. His large hand grips on the book, pulling it out of its shelf, and does a little celebratory dance in his head. 

Turns out, finding a reference for his essay is a pretty easy task. 

With the book tucked under one of his arms, Jeno makes his way back to the front desk. He'll check out the book and work on his homework at home. Working on it in the library might be easier, with him using a book from here as a reference, but Jeno just prefers it that way. He makes it to the front desk where the tall counter only shows a mop of shiny pink hair behind a book with a title he could not (or didn’t even bother to) catch. He taps the wooden countertop twice with his fingernails, and the cotton candy head moves up to accommodate him. 

The boy behind the counter blinks at Jeno the moment he looks up, long black eyelashes fluttering in slow motion. The small face he has glows under the artificial lighting, pink lips curled around a lollipop, and sitting on the bridge his cute button nose is a pair of thin-framed glasses. Jeno sees the boy slipping a bookmark between the pages of his book as he puts it down before standing up to look at him. The pink and lush lips part, revealing a bit of tongue, and the lollipop gets pulled out of his mouth. Jeno sees the beautiful pair of lips move, and he realizes that the boy was speaking to him.

" - you?" 

Jeno blinks, shaking himself out of the universe those pair of lips pulled him into. "I'm sorry?" 

"I said, how can I help you?" The boy says, slowing down on his words this time. His voice is like honey, and Jeno feels like the blood in his veins is being replaced with honey. He feels like recoiling, a little bit intimidated.

"Oh." Jeno finally composes himself. He taps the cover of the book. "I wanted to borrow this." The boy must have noticed the crack in his voice, because he gives a small smile, and Jeno turns away due to embarrassment. He clears his throat. 

" _The Great Summary of the Great Ancient China_?"

Jeno turns back to the boy. As he scratches behind his ear, he says, "Yeah. I-I'm doing a paper." 

"Oh." The boy begins typing on the computer. "History major then?"

"No. Literature. I have a History minor though," he says while a hand comes up to scratch the spot behind his ear, a habit he unconsciously picked up since then every time he gets flustered. Jeno watches the lanyard around the boy's neck, the same one he has on his bag because he prefers having his ID card on his wallet rather than wearing it. He tries to peek to catch the boy's name, but he can’t peek past the countertop.

"I don't think one book's enough for you, but feel free to come back for more. We have more books about how ancient China plowed their plots, the foot-binding culture, and even about how to differentiate their noodles from Korean ones. Oh, and about how ancient China's just a little less polluted than present-day China."

Jeno almost laughs at the way the boy has so many words stored in that little head. He looks like someone who doesn’t talk a lot, much less to strangers. He snorts instead. "I think any ancient civilization is less polluted than their present-day counterparts."

The small smile on the boy looks sweet to Jeno. He puts out an open palm towards him. Jeno slides his ID card across the counter. The pink-haired boy takes it with an amused hum as a reply. He scans the card quickly and slides it back just as Jeno moves to take it. The action makes Jeno's hand drop on top of the boy's. 

There are no tingles nor time-stopping moments right then, just palm over knuckles and a little bit of warmth on Jeno's face. The boy pulls away instantly as if he got burned, and Jeno only shakes his head and puts his ID back into his wallet. The embarrassment doesn’t last long between them, and he watches as the boy works on the borrower's card, stamping on it the date Jeno is supposed to return the book. With the way his head is angled down, Jeno realizes that the glasses he has on had no lenses, just frames. He is amused.

"Here's your book." Jeno takes it. "Please make sure to return it on time, or else you'll be fined on the delay."

"Thank you," Jeno says one last time before turning on his heels, trudging away from the library. 

When he's out of the building once again, Jeno welcomes the sunlight with a much lighter heart. Along with the realization that he didn't ask for the cute pink-haired boy's name. 

■■■■■■

_It was one of those times where the moon was round and bright, more beautiful than the rest of the nights. On nights like this, he would go out on a stroll for a few minutes. The villagers wouldn't care; they would be too busy in their homes to notice him at such an hour. He'd stroll down the quiet streets with a song or maybe a poem under his breath, and he would bask himself in the moonlight. It was calming that way, and it helped him relax. Not that the world didn’t call for him at an unexpected time, but the point is, he'd always have time for himself. Like this._

_He steps over the scattered strings of red tangled around each other, bare feet not aware of the cold ground below. The silk in his clothing easily dances along with the breeze, but it doesn’t make a sound. At least not enough to attract unwanted attention._

_At the end of this street is a temple, so he decides to settle there and admire the roundness of the moon, the way the stars twinkled as if actively watching him, and wait until the village falls asleep. He arrives at the gates but doesn't open it. Instead, with a single leap, he perches himself on top of the wall. He sings another part of a song, his feet dangling over the edge, swinging back and forth. His neck cranes upward to admire the full moon, his face easily illuminated by its glorious light. At an angle like this, the moon looks like it will devour you whole. He thinks he'd want that for himself._

_"You'll fall."_

_His humming gets cut off. He immediately turns towards the voice, only to be greeted by the sight of a young villager wearing a loose shirt and dirty trousers. The boy looks up towards him with a raised eyebrow, as if waiting for him to come down. He doesn’t. Who was this boy and who was he to tell him the obvious?_

_"I know," is what he replies, hoping the boy leaves him alone._

_Only that the boy doesn’t, but instead presses on further. "Come down, then. Or else you'll fall." It sounds like a reprimand, like what an older boy would say to his reckless young brother. To the boy on the wall, it sounds like disrespect. No one has ever talked to him like this before, so what makes this boy think he could?_

_"Leave me alone." He rolls his eyes in utter annoyance. "I can float perfectly, thank you."_

_The villager boy digs from his pockets, and soon stretches out a palm, where a red apple sits gingerly. The fruit glistens under the moonlight, just as red as the strings that litter the village's streets._

_"I'm giving you this. You can't come and get it if you don't come down here." For once, he decides to humor the boy and stands on his two feet at the top of the wall. "Hey! You'll fall off for real now-"_

_He jumps off the wall and lands on his bare feet gracefully. His red robes frame his form perfectly. Just like that, the stunned villager is now standing right in front of him, arm still outstretched with an apple sitting on the palm. He takes it, feels the fruit under his own palm and fingers. Just as he has thought, the fruit is as red as the strings he deals with._

_The boy gapes at him. until he sputters. "Okay. You're good at climbing and jumping off walls."_

_He doesn’t think he is good at any of those, but still, he nods at the boy's nonsense. He observes the fruit in his hand, thinking about the many times he's learned about apples but never tasted them. "Is this tasty?"_

_The boy looks at him incredulously. "You've never eaten an apple before?"_

_He shrugs, eyes not leaving the red fruit he holds to his face. "No." With a little hesitance, he adds, "I don't eat."_

_"You don't eat apples?"_

_"I don't eat anything."_

_The boy gasps. It's a little dramatic, he would say, with the way this villager boy clutches his chest, wide-eyed and all. "What keeps you alive then?"_

_He shrugs because he doesn't know, truthfully. Or maybe there isn't an answer to that. "I don't know. Prayers? I am not sure." He grasps the fruit with both of his hands this time, as if he's weighing it. "I'm just alive, I guess."_

_Maybe he'll try to eat this one. It wasn't impossible that apples could cross the borders so maybe he could take this one home and taste it himself. And if he likes it, he'll come back to find this villager boy and ask for more. With that in mind, he keeps the fruit under his robe and turns away to take his leave. The villager boy remains in his spot, and he lets him. He'll get over the shock soon. So he leaves._

_He's taken a few steps away from the boy, when he's stopped by a few words._

_"What is your name?" the boy shouts._

_He thinks over it for a while. No one has ever asked for his name. It had been so long, so he doesn't quite remember it. He looks up, glancing at the roundness of the full moon. Just like always, the moon gives him an answer._

_He doesn't look back at the boy when he answers, "Renjun."_

■■■■■■

When Jeno enters the library that day, he doesn't pass by the front desk like he did yesterday. This time, as he scans his ID by the door, Jeno watches the unnamed boy scribble something at the counter of the front desk. His pink strands dance over his eyes and the fake glasses are nowhere on his face today. Jeno giggles to himself. The giddiness is starting to make his hands clammy. 

He skips towards the front desk with the same book tucked under his arm, and when he arrives, the boy stops scribbling to look up at Jeno who just sheepishly smiles back. He straightens his back before dropping the pen on the countertop. Jeno's smile widens, knowing that the boy is willing to give him attention. 

"Returning it in already?" says the honey-voiced boy. 

Jeno shakes his head. "No. I realized it was better to work on my paper here." He feigns interest as he eyes the whole library. "Good ambiance and lighting? Yeah, I definitely needed that."

The playful scoff that comes out of the boy reels Jeno in. He shakes his head, pink strands moving along the action. "Oh really? Then feel free to use our tables. I'm pretty sure there's only a few people around today."

"Thank you."

With that, the boy nods and goes back to writing. But Jeno doesn’t want to end it there, so he spouts whatever comes to his mind right at that moment. "What are you working on?"

The pink-haired boy raises an eyebrow at him, but eventually answers. "Well, just some book cards that needed to be renewed. Some of them got too old, so…" 

"Is it interesting?" Mixed with the buzz of the air-conditioning of the building, Jeno tries to stifle a giggle. Pink-haired boy shrugs with a light smile. 

"So-so. This is better than cataloging."

Jeno stands on one leg. "How much do you know about ancient China?"

The boy huffs. "Seriously?" Jeno nods. 

"Well." The pink-haired boy shifts, takes a hand, and puts it under his chin. "Celebrating the Chinese New Year was dated back to the 14th century B.C.E, when the Shang dynasty was in power. They believe that everyone turns a year older on that day. So it's basically everybody's birthday that day."

Jeno inwardly chuckles at the way the boy actually went with his nonsense. To mask his amusement with interest about their topic, he mimics the boy - rests his chin on his fist, leaning across the counter, face close next to the boy's. "That's a lot of birthdays."

The boy giggles. "Yeah. There's this place called Forbidden City where commoners weren't allowed to pass the gates and see the emperor or else they'll be killed. And oh, many poor Chinese people back then had to castrate themselves so they could work as Eunuchs under the emperor because apparently, it pays well."

"That sounds like easy employment to me," Jeno says. "Tell me more."

The boy hums for a few moments, before raising an eyebrow at Jeno, although the gesture doesn't tell Jeno he is annoyed because of the grin that it comes with. "You could just read the book though."

Jeno taps the countertop twice, keeping his voice low. "Hmm, but I think you're a more credible source. You seem to know a lot about Chinese culture."

"Oh." The incessant buzzing of the library's air-conditioning gets accompanied by the soft tinkle of laughter from the boy. It enters Jeno's ears easily and softly, almost like a secret laugh just meant for him. "Aside from the fact that I'm Chinese, I'm actually a cultural anthropology major here so you can guess I did a whole presentation about that last semester."

Jeno withdraws himself in surprise. "You're Chinese?"

"Shhh." The boy puts a finger against his puckered lips and subtly looks around them, looking out for people they might have disturbed. "And yeah, I am. Why are you so surprised?"

"You look and sound perfectly Korean to me." 

"I get that a lot."

"Maybe if I knew your name I would have known easily." Even Jeno himself isn't quite sure where he got this courage from, but he finds himself saying this to the boy who had caught his eyes just for having pink locks and equally pink lips.

The boy rolls his eyes. "What a way to ask for my name."

Jeno chuckles. "Well?" He waits for an answer. The boy's eyes wander, as if to show that he's pondering over telling Jeno his name. Then eventually, he meets Jeno's eyes as he speaks. 

"Huang Renjun." 

The name sounds fitting. Renjun with pink hair and soft looks, Renjun who wore a muted brown sweatshirt which sleeves covered his knuckles, Renjun who wore frames without the glasses yesterday, Renjun who indulged Jeno with his questions although Jeno could just find out about them himself. Fitting. It makes Jeno giddy, finally having a name for this boy in his mind. He'd been calling him Pink-Haired Boy in his head, but now Pink-Haired Boy is Renjun. 

"Well, Huang Renjun, I'm-"

"Lee Jeno, I know."

Jeno looks at him with wide eyes. He couldn't help but question Renjun. "How did you-"

"I literally typed your name when you checked out that book." Renjun giggles behind his sweater-covered fist. 

Jeno coos in his head. _That was so adorable._ He shakes his head in amusement. "Okay, wow. Thank you for remembering my name, Renjun. I better read _that_ book now though." He steps away from the counter and does a small, silly curtsy. 

Renjun giggles again - Jeno makes sure he remembers the sound - and shoos him off.

■■■■■■

Jeno most definitely did not ask the librarian for Renjun's work schedule because whenever he looks through the glass, the boy is there in his cozy sweatshirt and jeans, always doing something behind the front desk. Sometimes Jeno finds him reading, sometimes hunched over a notebook, writing. 

Although he's supposed to rot in his apartment buried in homework, Jeno does it at the library. On some days, he gets to talk to Renjun, but mostly, they get too into their own worlds after a few words and pleasantries. When Jeno returns his borrowed book, his five-page essay saved in a Google Docs, the book is tucked under his arm while both of his hands are occupied with the warm drinks he bought. 

He skips scanning his ID at the entrance and goes straight to the front desk. Renjun wears a thicker sweater now, probably because the breeze is beginning to get colder lately. The pink strands of his bangs are tied away from his forehead. It forms a perfect round-shaped head. Jeno inwardly coos.

He slides the cup of hot latte across the countertop. Renjun abandons his book, and eyes Jeno in surprise. "What's this?"

Jeno gestures for him to drink it. Renjun blows on the drink softly, and presses his lips to the edge of the cup. Jeno chuckles at the way he grimaces upon his first sip. "Not a coffee person?" 

A pretty shade of pink instantly covers Renjun's cheeks. Shyly, he peeks at Jeno through his eyelashes. "I-I prefer tea." 

Jeno almost chokes on his own coffee in amusement. He stares at Renjun. "Then why did you take it?"

"It's not that bad, really! I still drink coffee when I need it." Renjun turns redder, if that’s even possible, as he mumbles behind the cup. “And because you bought it for me. Thanks.”

Jeno feels his heartbeat quicken. He doesn’t suppress the growing smile on his lips. There’s always something about making Renjun flustered. The red on his face is adorable, for one. And the way his gaze turns softer than it usually is makes Jeno smile. 

He slides the book across the counter and taps the hardcover, right over the embossed title. “It’s due today.”

Renjun carefully puts down the cup on the coaster and takes the book with a nod. Jeno watches as Renjun makes him sign in a logbook and ticks off his name on the computer. The book goes in a pile at a corner. Jeno thinks it must be the books for shelving. Renjun gets it done in no time.

Jeno takes in a sharp breath. He fiddles with the strap of his bag, suddenly feeling awkward. It wasn’t like Jeno had any business in the library now, and he’d been thinking about it earlier as he was walking. The words get stuck at the tip of his tongue, even Renjun’s anticipating eyes don’t help him in uttering them. Jeno only smiles and mumbles a small ‘thank you’ before walking away. 

Outside the library, sunlight washes over him. The memory of Renjun stays in his mind and he momentarily looks back to the glass windows, to where he can see the boy by the front desk. Jeno smiles to himself, seeing Renjun’s faint form - he holds the cup with both of his hands as he sips. Jeno can imagine the scrunch in his eyebrows. At least now, he knows he’ll have to bring tea instead of coffee next time.

The thought of Renjun being polite enough to take a drink he doesn’t prefer makes Jeno burst with zeal. The boy had been nice and sweet and he couldn’t help himself but want to see more of him. 

When Jeno crosses the street, a jaunty voice shrieks his name from meters away. He whips his head and sees Yangyang, arm flailing in a cheerful wave, and beside him is a calmer Jaemin who is adorned with red cheeks, probably from the changing weather. He gives them a big grin from afar before jogging up to them.

All thoughts of a certain pink-haired boy are cleared out of his mind, but they are reserved for later. 

■■■■■■

Jeno looks up from his textbook when he sees a figure (which he’d been sneaking glances at for a while now - although he will never disclose this to Renjun) plop down in the seat across him. Behind his glasses, Jeno squints just to make sure he is seeing the right face. Renjun gives him a cheeky smile and begins to take out a notebook and a pencil case from his backpack. Jeno lets a smile ghost on his lips. His cheeks burn in slight embarrassment, hoping Renjun doesn’t catch him slacking off on homework and purposefully choosing a table which has a perfect view of him manning the front desk.

"Don't you have work?" Jeno asks while Renjun takes out a textbook, and begins flipping the pages.

Renjun looks at him briefly, then goes back to his book, eyes now fixated on a page, "So you know my work schedule now."

Jeno splutters. A visible red covers his face, embarrassed for being caught knowing Renjun's work schedule. But to his defense, he never asked anyone for it. Just that he's been going to the library so often since last week that he got wind of the days Renjun worked. He looks away, and grips his pen harder. "It's just - you were working last Thursday."

"Jeno," Renjun chuckles. "It's okay. And I was filling in for someone that day."

Jeno only nods and goes back to work, despite his senses focusing on the boy in front of him. It doesn't last for long because Renjun breaks the silence.

"I didn't know you wore glasses."

The way he speaks is a little hesitant and flustered. Jeno takes in the pink that blooms on Renjun's own cheeks. He feels his heartbeat quicken, and his finger twitch, wanting to interlace it with Renjun's own from across the table. Jeno blinks, and then caresses a finger on the frame of his glasses, "Oh. I usually wear contact lenses, but...I got lazy today."

Renjun nods, and goes back to revising his notes. Jeno hides his flushed face by burying himself in his own textbook. It is awkward, Jeno knows. Talking to the Renjun behind the front desk is different from talking to the Renjun who opted to study with him. In an attempt to loosen the tension, Jeno mutters, hoping Renjun can hear him like that.

"I finished that essay."

Renjun's pen stops scratching against the paper. He raises his eyes to Jeno, "Really? That's good then." Then, with a chuckle, "Did you include the things I told you?"

Jeno suppresses a laugh. They are in a library after all. "Yeah. They were in the book too."

Renjun cheekily grins at him. "The mythology is also interesting. There's the Jade Emperor, the fox god, the ox god, and there's the Man in the Moon-"

"The Man in the Moon?" Jeno scrunches his eyebrow. "I think I forgot about that one."

Renjun nods with a hum. "The Man in the Moon, god of fate. They believed he was the one responsible for the red string of fate, and brought people together for love."

Jeno nods. "Fate..." He ponders on it for a while, and unconsciously brings the tip of his pencil against his lips. In front of him, Renjun tilts his head sidewards, eyeing Jeno in wonder. 

Jeno stares back as his mind goes back to their first meeting: the unknown pull he felt towards the boy, the small spark whenever Renjun smiled his way. It all made Jeno's head spin with delight, his chest threatening to burst. Were they fated to meet? Was there a red string between them? Just thinking about it made Jeno's hand tremble, and he takes in a deep breath to calm the erratic beating of his heart. The hesitance in him makes his voice small as he asks, "Do you believe in fate?"

It is scary. He never got the chance to be with Renjun outside the library, but he felt so much for him. It wasn't love, no, not quite. But Jeno is sure it’s something great, something that grows deeper and deeper every day he sees Renjun. Jeno knows it; he is falling fast for the pink-haired boy.

It could be fate, or it could be because Renjun is too attractive that Jeno is left wanting more of his attention all to himself.

Renjun seems to be taken aback, but he straightens his back and answers. "I do. Everything in my life...kind of feels predetermined. It's comforting." Then he sighs, "Believing that everything has a reason."

Jeno thinks he feels the same way.

He drops the pencil, and the sound gets muffled by the open textbook. It doesn’t take him a lot of deliberation. Jeno just let his mouth run off course because he is afraid if he doesn’t say it now, he won't ever get to say it. There is no timing more perfect than now.

"Will you go out with me?"

Jeno sees Renjun's eyes slowly widen, pretty lips parting when his jaw drops. He waits, even if Renjun chooses to not answer, but he does anyway. He watches, with hopeful eyes, as Renjun opens and closes his mouth. Jeno half-recognizes a rejection about to come out, although he’s hoping it doesn't come.

"Jeno..." Renjun slumps into his seat. "I'm sorry."

The pang of hurt echoes around Jeno's chest. He flushes it down. "It's okay." He gives Renjun a small smile.

"It's just - I'm busy with school and work."

Jeno taps his forearm twice, purposely avoiding Renjun's hand because he knows he might not stop holding it. "I understand, Renjun. It's okay."

It isn’t, not right now, but Jeno feels there'll be a next time for them.

Jeno doesn’t indulge in the small crack in his heart and lets himself relax in Renjun’s presence as the latter begins sharing anecdotes under a hushed voice. 

■■■■■■

_Renjun stands in the dark, right between the thick trees by the lake. He watches as a figure bends down on the ground, then back up, and just like that, a stone jumps thrice on the surface of the water, right across the reflection of the full moon. He purposely steps on a twig, and the boy whips his head towards him so fast that Renjun could laugh._

_He heard humans could break their necks like that._

_"Who's there?" says the boy warily._

_Renjun can’t help but let out a giggle behind his palm. The boy sighs, probably upon recognizing his voice, and his body relaxes. "Oh," he says. "It's you again."_

_It feels like an invitation to Renjun, so he trudges towards the boy, letting his feet step on the ground lightly rather than floating over it. "What are you doing?"_

_"Skipping stones." The boy bends down, and picks up a stone. He hands it to Renjun. "Do you want to try?"_

_"No."_

_"You're wearing the same clothes as last time. Did you not wash them?" It seems like the boy is teasing, but he pays it no mind and only stalks closer to him._

_"Do it again."_

_"What?"_

_"The stone thing."_

_The boy edges closer to the lake until he's knee-deep into it. He carries a bunch of stones in his palm and holds one out to Renjun, "Change your mind?"_

_Renjun shakes his head. He is not sure what happens to a body of water when he steps into it. So he stays by the bank, watching the red string around the boy's ankle sloshing in the water. It's tangled with a few others, but he can see how it leads to the village. The boy is going to spend forever with a villager._

_"I almost forgot your name." The boy calls out, halting from his activity, "Renjun, right?"_

_"Yes," Renjun says back._

_"I'm Jeno." The boy gets out of the water, making the moon’s reflection break into ripples, and shakes off the droplets on his trousers._

_Renjun nods. "I know.”_

_Jeno lifts his head abruptly, eyes meeting Renjun. "Really? I thought I never told you my name?"_

_"You did, the last time we met," Renjun says, although he knew Jeno didn’t tell him his name before._

■■■■■■

"I thought you've finished that assignment."

Jeno stops hiding his face behind his textbook. "Well. Doesn't mean I can't study in the library, right?"

Renjun picks up two heavy books from the cart. He snorts at Jeno and slips one into the empty spot of the shelf. "Well, you did tell me about liking your apartment more than the library." He taps the spine of the book, and shelves another one. “Something about... _distractions._ ”

Jeno doesn’t know what to say after that. Telling Renjun that he was only whipping out an excuse to see him (or that Renjun was _the_ distraction) isn't exactly an appropriate statement. Jeno is aware he'd looked like a creep, but he still went anyway. Although, to his defense, his classes for the day were stressful and yeah - seeing the pretty pink-haired boy was a stress therapy. Definitely not creepy in a way.

He smacks his lips and sets down the book - one about astronomy, he realizes - and buries his head deep in his folded arms with an embarrassing groan. Jeno hears Renjun stifling a laugh, before a warm touch lands on his shoulder. "I get off in ten minutes, okay?" Still hiding his reddening face, Jeno only nods. He hears the cart go along with Renjun's light footsteps down the aisle.

Jeno sits up straight, and he watches Renjun walk away. He has been caught, and although the boy wasn't looking at his face, Jeno's face still burned in embarrassment. He holds both of his cheeks, pats them as if willing it to cool down. He picks up the book, scans the opened page and - damn. It was upside down.

Jeno flicks his own forehead.

The next minutes are spent with Jeno tracing constellations with the tip of his index finger. True to his words, Renjun plops down in the seat across Jeno ten minutes later - right after his shift ends. He already has his backpack strapped on, eyes still bright behind the lens-less golden frames. Jeno clears his throat, the prior embarrassment of getting caught watching the boy coming back to him. He closes the book, and then sheepishly looks up. "I didn't mean to be weird."

Renjun raises an eyebrow, and then slaps a hand over his own mouth to contain his giggle. "It's not weird," he says after composing himself, and low under his breath. "It's cute."

Jeno almost chokes on nothing as more heat threatens to creep up to his face. He lets out an awkward chuckle and rubs his warm nape. Renjun has indirectly called him cute, but Jeno wants to let the ground eat him whole. He lets go of the thought and breaks the awkwardness between them before it gets too thick.

"So what do you do after your shift?"

Renjun hums in thought. "When I finish early, I read for a while. But I was thinking about dinner a while ago, actually."

Jeno stands up to stretch. "Dinner it is, then." He picks up his bag, and grins when Renjun eagerly catches up to his steps.

As they walk out of the library, a decision comes to place: they’ll grab fast food takeout and eat somewhere else (which was much deliberated, at first - Jeno finds there is more to Renjun’s brain process that he’s about to discover). They end up in a park near campus with bags of food in their hands. Renjun chooses the spot for them, skipping his way towards the empty picnic table. 

“I still can’t believe you chose fast food over a much better place I suggested,” Jeno says with a pout as he plops in the seat across from Renjun.

The boy only shrugs and begins unpacking his greasy and unhealthy food choice. “I’ve been craving for junk food since yesterday.”

Dinner comes surprisingly easy. Jeno listens as Renjun goes on about his day, mostly about lessons and a group of freshmen trying to pull a prank on him during the early hours of his shift at the library. He laughs along when Renjun accidentally acquires a strip of ketchup down his chin. 

“I think I’ve talked your ear off -”

“I like listening, anyways.”

“So tell me.” Renjun slurps on his tall cup of coke and gulps it down. “Anything about you.”

“What?” Jeno splutters, but he chuckles as he answers. “Well, there’s not much…”

His pulse skyrockets when Renjun leans closer, eyes big with interest, his chin lightly on top of the cup’s lid. The slow show of the end-of-the-day sun makes his skin glow pale yellow - so different from the white he has seen under the artificial light of their university’s library. Renjun blinks. The action makes his eyelashes flutter. Jeno’s breath is caught.

Jeno blinks off the haze, and gives a rather uninteresting fact about himself. “Well, I like literature.” Renjun nods. Jeno takes it as a signal for him to go on, so he does. “I can also play the guitar. And although I’m allergic to animal fur, I have three cats at home -”

“You have cats?” Renjun beamed. It made Jeno flinch, but he laughed it off. 

“Yes. I miss them.”

“I would too, if I had cats back at home.” Renjun begins wiping the grease off his fingers and when he’s done, he hands Jeno tissues to do the same. Jeno makes a mental note to show off his cats to Renjun next time. 

_Next time._ It sounds good to Jeno’s mind.

The sun starts to set. It casts a blended glow of yellows and pinks on their figures, probably brought by the nearing autumn. Jeno watches as Renjun whips out his phone - camera app open and directly pointing at the sky. The scene pulls a small smile out of him. Renjun snaps two shots of the sky before eyeing Jeno again.

“Why did you stop talking?” he says.

Jeno, despite being taken aback, thinks of another random fact about himself. He’s usually uninterested even in himself, so he thinks it’s quite nice that he's sharing bits with Renjun. 

“Let’s reserve those for another day.” Jeno gathers their trash and stands up to throw it away in the nearest bin. Renjun’s unsatisfied pout doesn’t go unnoticed. It makes Jeno flush as he looks down to where Renjun sits prettily. “It’s going to get dark now. We should go.”

The pout increases. “I’m too full to walk.”

Jeno rolls his eyes playfully and slings his backpack over his chest rather than his back. He surprises himself when he crouches down, kneeling with his back on Renjun. His cheeks burn at the realization of what he’s about to offer to the boy, and he’s almost hesitant when he speaks. “I’ll carry you home then.”

There’s a pause in the moment, and the apology sits at the tip of Jeno’s tongue. His cheeks flush in a healthy red color - which, thankfully, Renjun can’t see - and he’s about to take the offer back, maybe tell Renjun it’s meant to be a joke, when the boy beats him to it. Jeno feels the ghost of Renjun’s arms coming to circle around his shoulders, until they finally settle in a light but secure hold, the warmth of a small chest pressed against his broad back. His already ruddy cheeks start to turn redder.

“Don’t regret this, Jeno. I’m not that light.” Renjun’s voice is forcibly jovial, obviously trying to crack the awkwardness that begins to dawn on the atmosphere they’ve built. Jeno thinks he’s just as flustered. A lovely feeling settles in his gut.

He hoists Renjun’s legs up so they round his waist and starts to trek away, taking long strides as if he’s climbing a mountain with a backpack on his back. “You weigh like nothing.”

Renjun snorts. “Okay, mister muscle-man.”

Jeno chuckles. He takes each step slowly, afraid Renjun might fall if he isn’t holding on securely. The sun continues to set and the pale yellow slowly turns to a blend of orange overhead. Renjun tells him about school and bits about his home. Jeno listens, and he speaks when Renjun asks. He has always been a better listener than a talker. 

Renjun’s arms wind tighter across Jeno’s chest, his hands ending up hovering above Jeno’s chest. He internally wonders if Renjun can feel the wild pace of his heart. Hopefully he doesn’t because Jeno doesn’t know how to calm it down and make his insides seem normal and not fast and tingling and anticipating, vibrating from so much touch - 

“What’s your favorite color?”

And Renjun just won’t let Jeno live because when he speaks, his breath fans at the skin on the back of his ear. The sensation makes him shiver, although not enough for Renjun to notice, but still enough for his heart to go into another round of turbulence. He wills himself to focus - now what is his favorite color?

Jeno hums unknowingly, genuinely thinking about it - he loves every kind of color, picking a favorite out of the many is worth deliberating on. When he decides, he answers, "Blue."

"Seems fitting," Renjun says.

"How come?"

Jeno feels him shrug. "I don't know. Maybe because of how you look? The first time I saw you I thought you looked cold and heartless. Blue." Renjun finishes off with a light giggle.

"And when was that?" Jeno smiles to himself as he walks, the weight of Renjun on his back becoming lighter and lighter, "The first time you saw me, I mean."

"Hmmm, I'm not sure." Renjun says. "I think it was during freshmen orientation a couple of years back."

Jeno stops in his tracks. He'd been expecting a different answer - one where Renjun says they'd met at the library. "You've...seen me before?"

Renjun tilts his head so that he can meet Jeno's eyes, "Yeah, I think. Your name sounded familiar too - don't look at me like that, Jeno! It's not impossible since we're in the same college department."

Jeno nods numbly before continuing their walk. He'd never remembered meeting Renjun before - or maybe he'd forgotten. It's _Renjun_ though - he wouldn't have forgotten the boy that easily.

Renjun tells him to turn right, so Jeno does. The street is quieter now, less vehicles but still illuminated by lamp posts. The sidewalk is bricked, and that's how Jeno knows they're close to the residential buildings of their campus. He allows himself to indulge in their shared moments, and so the long strides become smaller in an attempt to stretch their walk longer. Renjun might have noticed, but he just hooks a chin on his shoulder with a satisfied sigh. Jeno's pulse never slows down. 

"Why aren't you living in on-campus dorms, Jeno?" 

"I think living off-campus is cheaper," he says, "which means more extra allowance for me."

Renjun laughs. Jeno knows that he agrees. When they get to the dorms, the sky is already dark and the stars are out. Jeno carefully lets Renjun touch the ground when they stop by the doors of the latter’s dorm building. He puts his clammy hands inside his pocket and waits for the goodbye. But Renjun only stands in front of him, rocking on the balls of his feet. 

“Well,” Jeno initiates. “That was fun.”

Renjun tucks a strand of hair behind his ear. Jeno’s heart melts. “Yeah, it was.” There’s a moment of silence between them, although it doesn’t hang too heavily because Renjun waves goodbye. “Bye, Jeno.”

Jeno only waves at him back. He watches as Renjun turns away, walking towards the glass doors that lead to the building. The small device in his pocket feels heavy. Jeno’s thumb grazes over the outline of his phone. Renjun pushes through the door, and then he steps in -

“Renjun!” Maybe it’s out of impulse, but Jeno unknowingly calls out to the boy. 

Renjun stops in his tracks, of course. He whips his head to turn to Jeno, eyebrows shot up in a semblance of a question. Jeno jogs up to him, bag bouncing on his chest as he goes.

“We should...do this again.”

Jeno sees the way Renjun looks away, the nervous glint in his eyes. He knows that Renjun sucked on his bottom lip to stop the nervous quivering, so he takes a turn. “I meant as friends.” Jeno clears his throat - he didn’t even notice his voice had cracked - and he continues “I know you’re not comfortable with...dating - you’ve told me once and I _do_ understand - so, just as friends?”

Renjun seems to ponder over it. Jeno doesn’t know what he’s contemplating inside his head so he waits for an answer. It doesn’t come soon though, and now Jeno’s palms start to quiver. He doesn’t know what to anticipate, but Renjun has been so _nice_ tonight. They both had a good time - that much was clear to him. He knows Renjun has no time and energy to date, and he respects that, but it doesn’t mean they don’t have the potential to be friends.

But then, is he being too wishful? Did he read everything wrongly?

He can only sigh in relief when Renjun nods, a soft smile dawning on his face. The race calms down in Jeno’s chest. “Yeah, sure. I’d like that too.”

Jeno fumbles with his phone, but he successfully hands it to Renjun. “Is it okay if I, uh - “

“Jeno,” Renjun chuckles, taking the device and inputting his number. “What are you so nervous about?”

He rubs the skin at the back of his ear, cheeks heating up partially out of embarrassment, and partially at the realization that Renjun _does_ make his nerves dance on fire. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Renjun hands the phone back. “And...text me whenever so I can save your number.”

Jeno nods. Renjun waves again, a final goodbye this time before retreating into the building. When Jeno walks back to his own home, there’s a lightness in his steps and a small hint of a small on his lips.

■■■■■■

Jeno blinks off the tiredness in his eyes with a quick dog-shake of his head. The words make no sense to his brain at this point. Letters have become a swirling mess clouding his sight, and he knows exactly what he needs: a goddamn break. Or else the last nerve in his brain will burst. He’s been studying for the whole afternoon now, having cleared off his tasks on a Saturday to prepare himself for the midterms looming over university students.

Upon deciding he needs a breath of fresh air, Jeno grabs the nearest jacket he can find and drapes it over his shoulders, knowing his thin white shirt surely won't help with the cold post-summer night. He exits his room with only his mobile phone with him, then eventually out of the apartment complex he lives in, and out into the night. As he has expected, the breeze is cold tonight, so Jeno hugs the jacket even tighter around himself.

The first few minutes of the walk is quiet, his only company being the night lights of their school district illuminating the sidewalk and the quiet murmur of the trees swaying along with the wind. Streets are void of cars now, or only in this part of the city. Either way, it is a nice moment for a walk. Jeno stuffs his hands into the pockets of his jacket since they begin to shiver and continues trudging, shoes gently scraping the concrete.

Even at this moment, the things his brain is retaining are the familiar words printed on his modules as he began murmuring some contemporary author’s biography under his breath. A fact after each step.

"Oh god." Jeno groans against his palm. "How am I going to relax if I keep bringing up my lessons -"

He stops midway through his personal rant when his eyes catch a familiar figure from afar. Jeno squints to take a better look, only to confirm his suspicion. His head tilts to one side, wondering why this person would be out at such an hour. Well, there’s only one way to find out the answer to that.

With the newfound excitement coursing through him, Jeno skips his way towards the pink-haired boy who is sitting on a bench with his legs pulled to his small chest and frail arms around them as if trying to keep himself warm.

Renjun is wearing what looks like his pajamas under a jacket, and his socked feet don’t go all the way into his untied sneakers. Jeno quietly tuts from the side, still opting to not make his presence known. The boy has his neck craned upwards, eyes fixated on something from above, lips parted in what could be amusement and curiosity.

After a few seconds of admiring a pretty view like Renjun's face, Jeno goes up to him and sits in the space beside him. "Your neck will hurt."

Renjun turns away from the night sky to face Jeno. A soft smile blooms on his face, just a small upward pull of the corners of his lips. Jeno basks in the warmth it gives before returning a smile of his own. The pink-haired boy playfully punches Jeno's shoulder as a greeting as he says, "It'll be worth it."

"Are you sure a stiff neck tomorrow morning is gonna be worth it?"

Renjun cranes his head up again, at the same position Jeno had first seen him tonight. This time, now that Jeno's closer than he was a little while ago, he begins to notice the sparkle in Renjun's eyes, vast constellations fitting on the dark pools of his orbs. They are there even as the boy speaks "The moon is so pretty tonight. So bright and round."

Jeno mindlessly hums, although his brain only thinks of why Renjun would stare above when he has the universe in him. Even that sounds too lame and cheesy to him - Jeno keeps it in his head. Although he can’t help but ponder over it, admire Renjun more. Indeed, his eyes almost look like they hold a whole constellation, and if he didn't have a more realistic mind, he'd actually believe himself.

It was as if Jeno got caught for not paying attention, because Renjun taps his cheek with a - so, so melodious and heart-melting - laugh, "Did you even hear me?" The touch burns his skin, but it’s always a good kind of burn. 

Shamelessly, Jeno puts his larger - and colder - hand over Renjun's, which still holds his cheek. He smiles and just stares; part of him continues admiring the boy, another part of him thinking how things would turn out if he makes a bold move right there and now. If he decides to be brave, would Renjun be just as brave? Would Renjun turn away, break things that barely started between them? It is something he shouldn't decide on impulsively, so Jeno lets his thoughts wander, not taking action upon them. Maybe just this would be enough for him this time. He could have more - they could have more, if the world allowed them.

He sees Renjun tilt his head sideways, smiling face shifting to a probing glance. His thumb caresses Jeno's cheekbone. "What are you thinking?"

 _You_ , he wants to say.

"A lot of things," is what Jeno says.

Renjun pulls away with a small giggle. The warmth lingers for a second, until it's completely gone. “Okay. I do that too.”

“Think?” Jeno says. “Is that what you’ve been doing before I showed up?”

“Yeah.”

“About what?”

“ _A lot of things_ ,” Renjun says, mimicking the tone of Jeno’s voice. It makes Jeno smile wide, giddiness bubbling up to his chest until it all spills out of him in the form of a laugh.

They share the silence that follows after. Jeno brings himself to stare at the sky as well, wearing Renjun-lenses and trying his best to look through the smog. There are stars, surely, but Jeno has seen them brighter somewhere else. Although, admittedly, they still look as beautiful. Some flickers of light connect with each other, maybe a constellation he can’t name, and there are some separated from a cluster. By the stars, the moon is indeed round and bright. The more Jeno stares at it, the more it seems to come closer and closer until it swallows him.

“I feel like I could live there,” Renjun finally says beside him.

There’s the urge to laugh and bring him closer. Jeno wills himself not to. “It’s probably cold.”

“It is,” Renjun chuckles.

■■■■■■

_Renjun culls a lonely red flower and holds it close to his chest. Under the moonlight, its redness doesn't show as much. It would be more stunning when it’s bright and sunny. He gently fingers on each petal, reveling in its softness. He leans in to sniff its scent - citrus sweet but with the tinge of cold air. And sandalwood. Must have been the work of some villagers._

_He carries the flower as he continues to stroll around the empty village. People have fallen asleep by now, judging by the blown lamps and darkened houses he’s passed. Renjun continues on his way._

_Tonight’s company is another poem. He recites the words under his breath cautiously in case someone hears him. He feels the lines of the strings laid out on the ground. His bare feet can’t help but step on them at times since there are so many. Today’s work is less than usual; there had been less than the usual babies born, and it meant less strings to tie. A slow day, Yongqin had called it. Although, to Renjun, it hadn’t been slow. It felt like one of his common days. And it felt nice. He likes his job - or maybe he was_ meant _to like this job - but in any way, Renjun is satisfied with the things he does. As Kun had said, they helped maintain the balance of the world._

_The flower he cradles close to his chest wouldn’t have been a pretty red if it wasn’t for them._

_He trails his sight to one of the strings, until it leads to a dark - but noticeably inhabited - cottage. His eyes move to trail after the other end of the same string. It leads to another neighborhood he has yet to venture into for the night. Renjun did that, and he did that because the world said so. It is comforting to know that he has had a purpose ever since, unlike most humans he has seen._

_“Is that a red poppy?”_

_Renjun whips his head around to face the intruder._

_Jeno, dressed in baggy trousers and a faded white shirt, stands a few feet away. He holds a sling in one hand, and a few stones in the other. Renjun looks over the boy. He spots the darkened area in Jeno’s trousers from his knees to his feet. When he checks, the ground is trailed with traces of wet footsteps, and Jeno’s sandals are kept under his arm._

_“You’re wet,” he says, as if it wasn’t obvious. He can swear that it wasn’t meant to happen. Renjun couldn’t let go of Jeno in his thoughts, and somehow the boy couldn’t stop appearing every time he goes on his nightly walks. Renjun would enjoy the first minutes into midnight, and suddenly he sees Jeno clad in his village boy clothes, feet wet and hair swept up because sometimes, his stones splash too much._

_Jeno follows his gaze, then speaks. “Yes, I am. I was at the lake.”_

_“Skipping stones again?”_

_Jeno’s cheeks turn a sanguine color as he nods. It’s obvious even in the dark. What could have been its difference from the flower? Renjun is amused. He finds himself wanting to see more of such a look on the boy. The thought lingers there - flustering Jeno more just so he can see the healthy red flourish on his face._

_“So,” Jeno steps closer. “Is that a red poppy?” His eyes stay on the flower close to Renjun’s chest._

_Renjun brings it between them, exposing it to the light “Is it? I wouldn’t know.”_

_Jeno makes a confused sound. It sounds so little, Renjun almost giggles. “How wouldn’t you know?” The village boy takes another step closer, and closer, until Renjun can flex his fingertips and they’ll touch Jeno’s chest. He hears his breathing - stable and soft - and he sees the way Jeno slowly touches petal after petal with his own fingers._

_“It’s very pretty.” Jeno sighs._

_“Is it rare here?” Renjun looks up at him. Jeno looks at him dubiously, as if skeptical about something. Maybe he was indeed doubtful of him ever since – who wouldn’t doubt a boy out of nowhere. Showing up at the late hours of the night without knowing anything about the world he’s in. But Renjun also knows that he doesn’t have to talk and tell Jeno everything about his reality._

_“I don’t think so,” Jeno answers after a while of deliberation. “There are a lot of flowers here, poppies and many more.”_

_Renjun realizes that it’s hard to talk to Jeno within this proximity. His fierce eyes and sharp nose is distracting, and the beauty mark just under the boy’s right eye is too stunning to ignore. He knows now that Jeno’s eyelashes are longer than his. Despite his stupor, Renjun manages to say, “What is your favorite among them all?”_

_Jeno seems to take his time in pondering and Renjun lets him. His eyes are covered in a haze as he thinks, before Renjun can see the clouds clear up, and he speaks, “Periwinkle flowers. They come in different colors, and my mother uses it to decorate my younger sister’s dolls.”_

_Renjun wouldn’t know what such a flower could look like, but he pretends that he does. He nods, feigning his interest. “Okay.”_

_“What about you?” Jeno asks. “Are poppies your favorite?”_

_“Yes,” Renjun says without fail. He wouldn’t know which from all the flowers of the world was his favorite. He hasn’t seen everything here after all. He’s only seen what the moon gives to the world. He’s only seen the lake, with a figure of a village boy knee-deep into the water, skipping stones because he thinks it’s fun. He hasn’t seen the flowers and the temple in the mornings and he has no plans to because there are too many people during the day, but the red poppy looks elegant under the moonlight, and it sits perfectly on Renjun’s palm - just a small hint of weight, and a soft scent dancing on his nostrils._

_When they stand still like that, close to each other, almost chest to chest if not for a hand in between, it’s beyond Renjun’s control. The lonely poppy sits gracefully on his palm, Renjun’s gaze fixated on Jeno. It's like a spell, Renjun thinks. Although he isn’t sure if spells can make him feel bigger but at the same time comforted. Jeno was always a good company. So he breaks the spell, looks away from the pools of dark orbs trying to drown him._

_A flash of movement catches Renjun’s attention, and he looks over Jeno’s shoulder. Somewhere between the thick bushes and the tall and gnarled trunks of trees, Renjun sees it; fur silverish white rather than white as snow, eyes slanted and burning ruby red, nine tails unabashedly dancing from behind. Its head is tilted to the side, as if amused, as it watched Renjun - as it watched Jeno’s back as well._

_The sight of the nine-tailed fox, honed to be intimidatingly regal in its form, doesn’t stop Renjun from coming the next night - and a few more after that - for another walk, searching for a certain village boy’s presence, different flowers in hand every night. Even held Jeno’s hand, one night. It is a shameless act, Renjun is aware, holding onto something he shouldn’t just right under the world’s nose._

■■■■■■

“I swear to god, Lee Jeno. If you sigh one more time…” Jaemin trails off as he raises a neon highlighter, perfectly aimed at Jeno’s forehead. 

Jeno only rolls his eyes at his best friend, and unknowingly, sighs again for what seems like the hundredth time within the hour. The highlighter hits the side of his head. Jeno groans and holds the spot while Jaemin’s snort can be heard in the background. “Jaemin - “

“I was being serious.” Jaemin drops his own pen and turns to Jeno, “What’s going on with you? Is it because you haven’t been seeing library boy for weeks now and you miss him as if you don’t message him first thing every single morning - “

“Shut your mouth please,” Jeno hisses. He checks their surroundings, sighing again - but this time in relief because no one has turned to their table. The cafe remains quiet, and people continue their own thing around them. Why can’t Jaemin just do the same?

“What?” Jaemin looks at him. “You’re so obvious, dude. You can’t expect me to not notice.”

Jeno massages his temple, willing the dull throb there to fade before it becomes a full blown headache. They’d been studying in a cafe - despite Jeno’s protests, Jaemin had his way of convincing him to study outside - and Jeno’s teetering at the edge of losing his mind because, _admittedly_ , he is distracted. Yes, by a certain library boy with pink hair whom he hasn’t seen since their first...friendly hangout. 

They’ve been texting (not exactly _first thing in the morning_ \- Jaemin is just dramatic) a lot, but these past few days, Renjun had been too busy to respond. Jeno doesn’t want to be pushy or come off as clingy, so he lets the other boy take his time as he buries himself in his lessons and homework. Although that has just resulted to a - in Jaemin’s voice - _brooding_ , _endlessly sighing_ Lee Jeno.

He can’t deny it. Jeno misses Renjun, and it is not an easy crisis. But they are both caught up with schoolwork and their personal lives. He soon found out that bumping into the boy at the university’s hallway was impossible; maybe his classes are in another building. He’s been thinking about visiting the library too, just not at the moment since his lessons are demanding. But Jeno misses Renjun, and he's very close to malfunctioning. Despite that, he keeps his eyes right on his modules, grips his pen harder as if it can help him in studying.

“See?” Jaemin exclaims. “You’re obviously distracted.”

Jeno rolls his eyes. “I had a rough class just before this. Please leave me alone.” Without sparing the Economics major a glance, he says, “And you dragged me here - a very distracting place - to study, so of course I’d be distracted.”

Jaemin just hums non-committedly before going back to his notes. Jeno blows a raspberry just out of spite. It’s actually better to squabble with him than to think about how much he’d rather look at Renjun’s face instead of a book filled with literary references. He knows he can’t do anything about it anyway. 

Another one of Jeno’s dispirited sighs brings another pen to his forehead - courtesy of Jaemin, of course.

“Ow, what the fuck Jaemin! Would you stop doing that - “

“Jeno?”

The called boy flinches so hard as he startles so much that his knees hit the edge of the table, causing their drinks to slightly topple. Within a second, dark liquid crawls across the wooden cafe table until it drips off the edge. Jaemin jumps off from his seat with a squeak. His eyes bulge in horror as the coffee catches the edge of his papers. It is too late to save it, so Jeno can only watch in horror. 

“Oh my,” breathes out the same voice above Jeno’s head. He turns to the voice, only to find Renjun standing there with the same look of horror on his face. It makes Jeno stand impulsively, causing another quake on their table. 

Before Jeno’s heart can even start to beat fast for the pink-haired boy he has missed, Jaemin shrieks as more of the spilt coffee drips on the floor, along with a few of their pens, “What the fuck - Jeno!”

Jeno turns back to his friend, now aware of Renjun’s presence behind him, and ducks to try to help. It doesn’t end well. The tip of his finger unknowingly grazes the surface of the spilt drink, making him hiss at the sting. Instinctively, he bites onto the burning spot. The burn goes to his neck next when he sees Renjun help Jaemin instead. 

“I-I’m so sorry.” Jeno stutters out. 

“Seriously, what’s wrong with you lately?” Jaemin grumbles. He gathers the stained notes before the coffee blurs more of the writings. Jeno only sympathetically bows his head and wipes the spill left on the table. With a tissue this time. Beside him, Renjun piles up the used tissues. 

Jeno stops vigorously wiping the almost non-existent coffee when he feels fingers curling around his wrist. The pad of Renjun’s fingers are cold, but it burns Jeno’s skin. A good burn, just as always. Jeno hopes his blush isn’t obvious, especially because he can’t help it when Renjun asks, “Is your finger okay?”

The scrunch on his eyebrows are prominent, and Jeno feels bad about being the one to cause it. He blinks away the haze before he stares too much into Renjun’s orbs, and nods despite the prior embarrassment coming to him again. “Yes, it didn’t burn that much anyway.” He breaks away. The loud pounding in his chest has begun to overwhelm him, Renjun’s warmth too much to handle sometimes. It makes him weak. 

Jeno peeks at Jaemin, who has his eyebrows raised and mouth formed in an ‘o’. The gaze he’s sending at the lack of space between him and Renjun makes Jeno blush again, but he composes himself and clears his throat. He turns to Renjun and gestures towards Jaemin, “Um, this is Jaemin.”

It’s a little unusual to be nervous at a moment like this, Jeno realizes. He isn’t sure why it’s nerve-wracking for two of his friends from different ends to meet each other, much more like this - with Jeno causing a spilling accident in the middle of a very cozy and peaceful cafe. It might be because both Renjun and Jaemin seem so different that Jeno had never really thought that they’d meet, much more get along with each other. But he doesn’t have enough time to ponder about such reasons in his head because the pink-haired boy beside him already extends an arm in between him and Jaemin, palm open in an offer of a handshake. Jeno lets the encounter happen; dodging the teasing gaze from Jaemin the moment Renjun speaks his name.

“Renjun,” he says with a smile.

Much too enthusiastically for Jeno’s liking, Jaemin widely grins back at the boy, “Yeah, Jeno’s friend. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

Of course his best friend just had to recognize Renjun's name that easily.

Jeno feels his nose flaring, eyes going wide they might as well bulge out of their sockets as he stares at Jaemin in disbelief. He was spouting too much information, things Renjun didn’t need to know, and Jeno suppresses the urge to strangle his best friend. He settles with passing Jaemin a death glare from behind Renjun’s shoulder.

“I can,” Renjun speaks, snapping Jeno out of his muted rage, to Jaemin, “replace your coffee. I’m sorry I startled you - “

“What - no, Renjun.” Jeno shakes his head, “It’s fine, he can get his own.”

Renjun looks at Jeno through his pretty, long and fluttering eyelashes, then to Jaemin, "Are you sure?"

Although the question wasn't for him, Jeno pushes himself between Jaemin and Renjun, "Yes, for sure! Right, Jaem?" He looks at Jaemin expectantly, silently begging Jaemin to back out of free coffee - which could be a challenge for his best friend's _enthusiastic_ love for a cup of bitter hell, a free one at that.

At least Jaemin still has a bit of shame in him after all, because he seems to consider Jeno's non-verbal plead when he awkwardly - and forcefully, of course - laughs with a hurried shake of his head, strands of his blonde hair fluttering. Jeno inwardly sighs in relief, although he knows Jaemin is dying to say yes from the inside (he's always on Jeno's ass about rejecting free food). "Yes, for sure. I can buy my own! It's cool, really."

"Um, okay then." Renjun shifts uncomfortably. It makes Jeno feel bad for putting the boy in such a situation, so he sends the boy a small smile, hoping it could come off apologetic enough. Renjun steps away, leaving Jeno with a smile as a response too, and waves to the both of them, "I just went to say hi, by the way. I need to go." Then to Jaemin, he says, "I'm so sorry for the coffee. Please tell me if I can repay you in any way." 

“You don’t have to, really.” Jeno forces his lips to form a smile, a hand coming up to clasp on Renjun’s shoulder as a form of assurance. 

Renjun doesn’t hesitate to nod, and with one last polite bow, he turns and leaves their table. As his back goes further and further away, back to the cafe’s counter where another boy seems to be waiting for him, Jeno releases a breath he’d been unconsciously holding in. Across him, Jaemin grudgingly slumps to his own seat with a petulant pout on his lips - Jeno wants to smack the boy’s forehead. It wasn’t a time to be a brat. 

Feeling the prior embarrassment coming up to him again (he could just not easily move on from Renjun catching him spilling a cup of coffee), Jeno scratches the back of his ear habitually with burnt cheeks. The judgmental look Jaemin gives him goes deeper the more he rubbed a spot behind his ear. Jeno lets out another sigh - which makes Jaemin throw a dirty tissue right in his face.

"Gross," Jeno groans with a fixed glare at Jaemin.

"You're grosser," the best friend replies, shifting to cross his arms atop the table, "You're literally falling for him - in front of me! And you say _I'm_ gross _?"_

Jeno masks his flushed self with a scoff accompanied by an overly-dramatic and Jaemin-like eyeroll - in short, an attempt of trying to be nonchalant. His eye catches the very point of his attraction just over Jaemin's shoulder - clad in comfortable sweater and jeans standing by the waiting area for his ordered drink, talking comfortably with another boy Jeno couldn't see the face from where he sits, but Renjun is laughing, so Jeno guesses the company was a good one.

Renjun's dimples show, even from a few meters away, and his dainty fingers come up to cover a part of that beautiful and blinding smile. Jeno remembers just a few days ago when he's been the source of the same smile, and the tinkling laughter that comes with it too, the thought leaves a stampede of whatever in his chest. He feels it physically now, the continuous and hard stomping in his chest enough to make it hard to breathe. Jeno wills himself to look away, he didn't even notice that he's been gritting his teeth in trial of calming his own heartbeat.

Yeah, Jaemin was damn right - he was falling for Renjun in front of his best friend, and he has no shame in it. Jeno's ears burn more as if that was still possible with how much he's been blushing since Renjun came.

" - you're not even listening, " Jaemin's voice snaps him out of his daze. The boy across Jeno holds up an eyebrow, unamused, "I knew it."

Jeno chooses to ignore his friend and shifts on his seat to straighten his back and picked up his pen again - he's not that sure if he's still able to focus on reviewing now, especially since his clingy side is screaming to get closer with Renjun (god, just how fast have he fallen for the boy). He feigns ignorance along the way, acts as if he definitely didn't miss anything Jaemin had said (acts as if Jaemin actually said anything), "What'd you say?"

Jaemin gapes at him, probably in disbelief, but repeats himself anyway, "There's a party tonight somewhere -"

"Uh, no." Jeno interrupts immediately. Jaemin had always known that Jeno always (at least most of the time actually, sometimes a certain someone drags him out of his own apartment) avoids those kinds of things. Not just because an intense crowd makes his head pound, but also it was definitely unnecessary especially now that he has an uncomfortable amount of school worries to think about.

"Of course," he hears Jaemin scoff lightly (Jeno chooses to ignore it and make his friend think he didn't hear at all), then with a clearer voice, "Just accompany me please? To keep me sober - "

"I don't want to deal with your ass in a fucking party, Jaemin. Why don't you ask Yangyang instead - "

"Please, please? This cute boy I'm crushing on is going and I want to see him there! Also, Yangyang would only steal my boy away, you can't let that happen, right Jen?"

Jeno is so unsurprised and super unamused. It was so typical of Jaemin to waste a night just a couple of weeks before exams trying to matchmake himself and the people he likes. The puppy eyes of his best friend is getting more intense the more he's delaying an answer, and knowing Jaemin, the boy just never accepts a no in requests like this - Jeno's been with him for too long that he couldn't recall Jaemin letting him off easily.

But then, he has his own load to think about, so Jeno tries again and shakes his head in neglect. Just as he expects, Jaemin reaches across the table and holds Jeno's hand in between his own. Jeno exclaims when the other brings his knuckles to his lips and pleads, voice tone octaves higher than it normally is, "Please please please - "

The feeling of Jaemin's spit on his knuckles makes Jeno's face contort in an unpleasant look. He instantly frees his hand out of the curse and wipes it against Jaemin's cheek. "Okay, fine! Although I know you'll leave me somewhere right after - "

Jaemin makes a silly dance in front of him with a victorious (and loud enough for some people to hear) laugh. Jeno hides his face into his collar, totally embarrassed of his best friend's antics. When he briefly looks up over Jaemin's shoulder, he sees the same figure of Renjun holding the glass door open, an amused smile on his lips. It lasts for a second short before he, and his company, exits the cafe.

■■■■■■

The party was in full swing when they arrived. Gladly - for Jeno - Jaemin had decided to take his sweet time, he'd said something about _his boy_ very often coming to parties in the middle of the hype. Jeno doesn't know how long his best friend's been chasing this person now - doesn't even want to think just how much parties he went to before to know such information - Jaemin didn't even mention anything about being interested in someone when he usually does every time he dates. This person might have been a different case. Jeno doesn't know how to react to that realization, since it was kind of unusual to think about Jaemin being serious in relationships. 

But back at the predicament at hand - Jeno trails after a buzzing Jaemin to a house that literally screams party from the outside. It’s an average building, probably one of the school housing outside their campus, with two storeys and beige walls with cream accents. The front porch is flooded with people, two of which Jeno could recognize, and the others probably from other programs in their university. They could hear the loud bass from how loud it is inside, and along it came with the cacophony of university students destressing on a lovely Saturday night. 

Jeno follows after an ecstatic Jaemin into the house, and immediately he is deafened by the loud sounds and by the flickering lights the host must have installed. The place is huge and it almost looks like a club from the amount of people partying. Jaemin walks beside him through the ocean of bodies, “The host is a senior, so that’s probably why it’s packed.”

After fetching themselves an ample amount of drinks (lime juice; as they’ve agreed on earlier, no one has to be drunk - Jeno just didn’t want to drink and Jaemin for his...boy-fishing agenda. Also, there wasn’t anything else besides alcohol, just lime juice which was probably intended for mixes, blurgh), they both settled on a lonely couch at the far corner. Instantly, Jeno feels out of place. He’s not definitely fond of parties this crowded, and the stench of smoke and alcohol restrains him from breathing properly. It doesn’t help that within the five minutes more or less that they’ve arrived here, Jeno could feel his temples pound from the loud music and cheers from the goers. Beside him, Jaemin looks much more relaxed than him - as expected from his best friend. Jaemin was the more outgoing type between the both of them, so the boy probably went to more parties Jeno could imagine himself doing.

Jaemin is obviously looking for someone; his neck is stretched up as if trying to peek between the figures dancing on the dance floor, and his eyes wander around every corner of the room. Jeno sips on his cup carefully, and the familiar sour taste somehow comforts him in the midst of the loud environment. He watches his best friend squirm in his own seat, and on a better mood Jeno would have said he looked cute fumbling over another one of his boy crushes, but Jeno was damned annoyed and out of place and Jaemin’s drink was spilling from how much he’s shifting, so he opts to steal the cup before its contents are fully out and hisses with a firm glare, “Just go if you see him, Jaem.”

Jeno hands Jaemin back his drink when the latter slumps in defeat, “Um, okay,” he says with a deep breath, “then I’ll just text you later?”

“Yeah,” Jeno waves him off, “stay sober, okay? Or else I’ll leave you here.” Jaemin knows the threat is empty, so he simply claps Jeno’s back and walks through the crowd again, eyes set on a honey-haired figure from across the room. 

Now that Jeno’s alone, he finally leaves the couch in favor of fresh air. The backyard is surprisingly inhabited when he gets there; just a lonely bench and a small garden and the night sky, accompanied by the muffled noises from the party inside. He considered sitting down on the steps by the door, but figured the bench seems to be a better option. Jeno sets down his lime juice beside him as he sits, and lets out a satisfied hum. This is the most of peace and quiet he could have without abandoning his best friend. The party is still loud, but at least it didn’t make his head throb. 

Jeno could not help but wonder if this part of the house was prohibited. There could be a reason why no one stays here - that or just because the yard was too dark, obscured unlike the inside where the party goes on, except for the lonely lamp by the door and the soft moonlight.

The tranquil Jeno reserved for himself is disturbed by a sound so similar to a twig cracking, followed by a giggle so familiar Jeno’s heart starts to take a faster pace before he could recognize it. He turns towards the sound in disbelief, and meets the pink head he’d been missing since their encounter earlier in the morning. Renjun is dressed lightly, but not all too different from how Jeno usually sees him. 

“Sorry,” the boy says in between his giggling, “I wanted to scare you.” Jeno playfully scoffs to make it look like he’s offended, to which Renjun only chuckles at. He watches the boy walk to the bench and claim the seat beside him, “I didn’t know you were a party kind of guy.”

Making sure he’s calm enough to not swoon over this kind of Renjun - fluffy hair and comfortable, smiling along with his sparkly eyes - Jeno scrunches his nose to mask his flush, “I’m not really fond of parties. I just got dragged.”

“By Jaemin?”

“Yeah,” Jeno chuckles, scratching the same spot behind his ear, “He likes partying, and dragged me for...support in boy-fishing.”

He hears Rnejun snort, “Boy-fishing?”

The embarrassment crawls on Jeno’s neck as he regains himself. Feeling his face burn, he groans and lets his head fall back with his eyes screwed. He hears Renjun laughing at him, and it’s supposed to be more embarrassing but instead, it makes Jeno’s heart soar knowing he’d been the one that caused such a lovely sound out of the pink-haired boy. 

“It’s just - “ Jeno clears his throat, “a term I came up with everytime Jaemin is trying to get a boyfriend.”

“Oh,” Renjun nods, and then breaks into another fit of giggles, “You’re adorable, Jeno.”

This time, Jeno couldn’t stop the heat from going up to his cheeks. He’s so sure that his blush is visible on his visage, even under a limited light. Out of habit, his fingers find the spot behind his ear, fingertips rubbing against the skin there. He realizes right after that Renjun notices it, because the boy speaks up about it. 

“You always do that.”

Jeno feels like he’s about to scratch his ear again, but he could stop himself from doing so. After Renjun had noticed, it feels like he shouldn’t do it again -

“It’s just a habit, I guess.”

“Everytime you’re flustered?”

“Are you thinking that you’ve flustered me by calling me adorable?” Jeno couldn’t help but tease. It could be an attempt to ease his own nerves being this close to Renjun, a way to divert the spotlight (and maybe, in turn, he wanted to fluster Renjun too).

Renjun sputters, and Jeno laughs, basking in the new warmth that blooms in his chest. The other gives him a wide grin to which he returns with one of his own. It doesn’t last - the smiles and giggles - since the atmosphere between them slows down to a silent, but comfortable, one. 

Jeno opts to not stare at Renjun any longer, lest his chest is gonna burst and more butterflies crowd his stomach, so he fiddles the cup of lime juice that has turned lukewarm. There’s not much to see in this yard as well, anyway. Aside from it’s fairly small, it’s also too dark and plain. Not even the flowers look catchy, they’re just bushes at this point. Jeno pretends his fingers were interesting as hell that he couldn’t take his eyes off it.

He couldn’t feel any movement from Renjun, and it slightly worried Jeno. He didn’t want the both of them to swirl down to awkwardness again, and he definitely didn’t want Renjun to feel any kind of uncomfort when they’re together. Even with these thoughts, Jeno lets the night wind blow between them, and lets a few bugs fly over their heads instead of starting a conversation. But it doesn’t take him long to work on his courage. When Jeno’s tongue moves to speak, he doesn’t think twice in case he might hold it back.

“How are you?” Jeno says. Not exactly an interesting conversation opener, but it was the classic so it should work, “We haven’t talked for a while.” The last part came out of him in lesser volume, but Jeno knew that Renjun heard it well.

Jeno finally looks at Renjun, and sees the latter looking back at him. Even in the dark it was obvious that Renjun’s mind was floating elsewhere, although he could still answer Jeno with, “A lot of stuff got too stressful. I had to take my time off.”

“What stuff?” Jeno couldn’t help his curiosity, and also a tinge of worry about what might be bothering Renjun, “I mean, you don’t have to tell me exactly - “

Renjun presses a fingertip against Jeno’s cheek, right over the mole under his eye. It was gentle, a small poke accompanied by another one of Renjun’s giggles, but it was enough to cut Jeno off and send a whole flock of birds swarming in his stomach. “It’s okay, Jeno.” With a reassuring smile, Renjun continues, “There’s school. I’m under a scholarship and I have to work at the library for it too, so I guess I’ve been pressured by a lot of things.”

Jeno shifts on his seat so he could properly face Renjun. He wouldn’t understand since he wasn’t under the same predicament, but he shows Renjun that he cares, and that he’s listening. Renjun smiles softly at the gesture, reading it perfectly, as a sign that he appreciated it and continues to talk, “There’s my family too...they’re far away, I missed them.”

“Did you meet them?” Jeno asks gently, as if one wrong word Renjun would get hurt with how vulnerable he looked in front of him. The distant eyes seem to be more distant as Renjun wrapped his own arms around himself as a makeshift shield. Probably from the night breeze since it had gotten colder than it felt minutes ago. 

“No,” Renjun sighs, “but I did talk to them. We were on FaceTime for hours.” he chuckles and Jeno thinks something, more like a memory, must have replayed in the boy’s mind as he spoke. Jeno feels like an important person, seeing Renjun like this, having Renjun tell him things like this, it made Jeno feel like he has a place in Renjun’s life. And he wants that, he wants more of that. 

Jeno, albeit hesitantly, scoots closer to the boy and lays his palm over Renjun’s knee, squeezing it lightly in a comforting gesture. Renjun turns to him and their eyes meet. He’s smiling at Jeno, and of course Jeno smiles back. Then he says, “I’m sorry if I seemed distant these past days.”

Jeno firmly shakes his head, “You have nothing to be sorry about, Renjun,” he says. He did miss Renjun when they weren’t talking, but that was just Jeno being clingy. He was never Renjun’s obligation, and he understands where Renjun was standing. Jeno is a little worried though, he couldn’t help it, since now that they’re closer, the weariness in Renjun’s face became more visible to him. “I just hope you’re still keeping yourself healthy.”

Renjun’s smile grows wider, making it harder for Jeno to avoid the sight of his lips close to his face. Jeno makes sure to divert his gaze, he didn’t want Renjun to be uncomfortable. But Renjun shifts his head, keeping their eyes aligned and - oh, Jeno just couldn’t look away. Renjun holds his gaze so softly and it’s so tempting that Jeno easily falls into it - falls into those deep orbs that held the stars. It is such a beautiful moment; keeping each other firm and grounded just by their eyes, Jeno feels like it’s telling him something - something in between them that he’s been very careful not touching.

Jeno wants it so badly, he wants to get closer and closer until the distance disappears. He’s been wanting it, and he’s only realized how much he’s fallen for this boy now. It hasn’t been a while since they’ve met, barely two months if Jeno had counted the days right, but it didn’t take him long to be this smitten that he’d gladly follow Renjun wherever he might be. 

At the back of his consciousness, something tells him that it was meant to be - meeting each other not so long ago, falling for Renjun in such a span of time, feeling all sorts of things while being here with him. 

Jeno leans in closer as a permission, eyes never leaving Renjun’s own pair. The invitation comes when Renjun flutters his eyelids close, with Jeno watching in utter awe at the long lashes kissing his cheeks. But still, Jeno leans in slowly to give Renjun (and himself) some time to bask in the heat emanating from their skin, and the stutters of their heartbeats. Unconsciously, Jeno lets his own eyes drop close and leans in more, and more, until he feels the tip of Renjun’s nose touch his own. Just one tilt of his head and he knows it’ll bring the both of them closer than Jeno had imagined -

There’s a sharp intake of air, and in an instant, the warmth is gone. 

Jeno’s eyes fly open, and realizes it was Renjun. The pink-haired boy had moved away from him, looking somewhere far away - literally at everywhere but Jeno. Just like that, Jeno’s chest hurts for a totally different reason as another realization comes to him. 

Dumfoundedly, Jeno straightens himself. The pleasant burn is swiftly replaced with cold dread, he hasn’t even noticed that he’d dropped his drink. Now the sad cup of lime juice lays spilled on the grass, staining one side of his shoe. His eyes begin to burn, but he pushes the urge to cry away. Did Renjun lead him on or was he the one who read it all wrong? Jeno didn’t know what to say, because he knew that there was no way he could save the situation. If he tries, it might just end up being more awkward, or more destructible. Jeno didn’t want either of those, it makes him scared of thinking what was next. 

They had almost kissed. But it didn’t happen because Renjun had been the one to pull away. If Jeno hadn’t sensed Renjun’s dread then he would have followed those lips, chased for them, because he had let his walls crumble earlier. Jeno was almost unstoppable. he had been drowning, but something had stopped him - them.

And he badly wants to ask _why_.

Jeno wasn’t the one to break the tension. Renjun turns back to him, and with a shaky voice, he speaks, “You’re a good friend, Jeno. I’m sorry.” 

The swarm of birds never stops flocking around inside his stomach, but Jeno’s heart clenches and it _hurts_. The ache makes him shudder, until his body decides to shake. He balls his fists, still trying to hold back the tears. Jeno never cried, but then, he’d never been in love before. And he’d never been hurt like this before.

 _So much for thinking it was meant to be_ , Jeno scoffs in his mind. There was a lot to think about, a lot to sink in, but Jeno finds himself absorbing nothing else but the possibility of losing Renjun like this. It’s not even a lighthearted goodbye with a simple wave of the hand. Jeno knows Renjun is bound to walk away with his back turned and down-weighted at any moment now, and he doesn’t want that. Jeno doesn’t want any of this. 

Should Jeno have been better at showing his feelings? 

He flinches when Renjun taps his curled fist softly, just twice, and stands up to leave. Just two small pats, but it was enough for Jeno’s insides to curl and to want for more - to want what they almost had just moments ago. Jeno lets two of his tears fall, and then he leaves. He never saw Jaemin on the way, and neither did he bump into a pink-haired boy who held his heart still. 

For a long time, he never bumped into Renjun again.

■■■■■■

_Renjun has long lost count of the many nights he’s spent with Jeno. what he surely remembers, though, is that the both of them will always end up lying beside each other on a patch of grass, sometimes by the lake if the human boy liked to skip his stones. It’s almost a routine that Renjun has established, a routine that brings a small claw scratch the surface of his chest. Renjun pretends that it isn’t guilt._

_Currently, Renjun joins Jeno in someone's garden, leaning on a gnarled tree trunk. Despite the transitioning season, Jeno wore his same commoner clothing - a flimsy shirt with loose trousers. He has his arms crossed behind his head, ankles twisted against each other. Renjun would mimic the position, but he opts to sit on the space beside the boy with his knees pressed to his chest. It’s automatic that he wraps his frail arms around his legs._

_“What are you doing?” Renjun genuinely asks the boy._

_Beside him, Jeno doesn’t flinch and continues to look at somewhere far away, “Nothing. Sometimes it feels good to do nothing.”_

_He was unlike Renjun who always had something to do. Renjun was amused, Jeno always had the time for himself and his hobbies at night - a fixed timing, like a schedule. And he has that too, but it constantly changes depending on how the world wants it to change. This was not a complaint to Renjun; he trusted the world, so whatever she gives to him, he gladly accepts._

_Renjun lets silence take over them for a short while, before he asks again, “What are you looking at?”_

_Jeno answers just before Renjun attempts to follow his steady gaze, “The sky.”_

_Renjun knew the sky. The sky was a familiar thing to him. Even so, he gazes up to where Jeno looks, and finds himself staring at home._

_“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Jeno muses, “I always stare at the moon because it looks magnificent.” then jokingly, he adds, “Do you think I could live there?”_

_Renjun can’t chuckle along with Jeno at the statement. The question sits heavily on him, and for some reason he wants Jeno to stop thinking about it - stop thinking about the moon. Renjun knew how beautiful his home was, and it gave him everything he needed - it was made for him, afterall. But now he doesn’t want Jeno to want it, now he realized its beauty could be deceitful sometimes._

_Jeno senses his sour mood, so his crescent eyes disappear. Renjun feels bad, knowing he has been the cause of the shift in the boy’s mood, but he makes no attempts to fix it. Straightforwardly, Renjun tells him, “It’s cold up there.”_

_“I was trying to joke,” Jeno answers immediately, then scoots closer to Renjun, “I apologize.”_

_Renjun realizes that Jeno shouldn’t apologize for anything. “No, it’s okay.”_

_Probably in an attempt to save their conversation, Jeno asks him, just utter curiosity gleaming in those eyes, “Why are you always out at night?”_

_“I like the night better.”_

_“Really? I easily get cold at night.”_

_Renjun falters for a split second, then regains himself just as fast, “Then why are you going out at night with me?”_

_“Because I know you’ll get lonely.” The way Jeno answers without fail makes Renjun shiver, although it is the good kind, a welcomed one. He looks away from the boy and hugs his legs tighter._

_With a small voice, he mutters, “How do you know for sure?” He’s aware that he is asking too many questions, but Renjun could not help it. Not when every time he asks, Jeno seems to answer him within a second, tolerating his inquisitive mind._

_Renjun sees Jeno shrug, then hears him speak, “I just know, I guess. Everyone gets lonely,” a wistful gaze overcomes his face, “even at day or at night.”_

_At this moment, Renjun wants to ask if Jeno has ever been lonely. He keeps it to himself. Renjun holds himself back from asking, knowing that Jeno would ask back, and by then he wouldn’t know how to answer the boy._

_Had he ever been lonely? Renjun always sees people get together - he makes sure people get together - so, did his purpose given by the world make him lonely? Had he ever thought of wanting the same thing for himself, have someone for his own just as he gives his people someone of theirs? In his long lifetime, Renjun never wants. The moon gives its everything to him - what more could he ask?_

_Now though, he can’t help himself from asking for something he knows he can’t have._

_“Not when they are paired with the love of their life,” Renjun says, finally, “They won’t feel lonely anymore.” It was the truth, and Renjun knows that Jeno knows it too. Jeno has his own string around his ankle by Renjun’s doing - this village boy is Renjun’s believer. A believer of fate._

_He sends a passing look on his own ankle, bare and pale. Nothing is tied around it, of course._

_On his periphery, Jeno’s nod is clear, “You’re right. We have someone out there to keep us away from loneliness.”_

_Renjun refuses to comprehend the faraway look on Jeno. Just one glance at it makes his breathing stagger, and suddenly there’s a constriction building up in his chest. Renjun wants to clutch it, tell it to go away, but what he does is ignore it. He indulges in his selfish desires anyway._

_“Jeno,” despite his hesitance, the call comes out of him clearly, faux confidence wrapped around the syllables of the village boy’s name, “Do you think it’s me?”_

_Just like he usually does, without a slight trace of hesitance, Jeno asks back, “Who?”_

_He has never asked the world for anything else, and he knows that the world is watching, listening, to him, but Renjun still asks - prays. He asks for something he himself doesn’t know._

_But this, to Jeno, he asks, “The one for you?”_


	2. and the next

↢ ↣

Jeno wakes up with a slump.

In irony, what woke him up had been the lovely autumn sunshine and the melodic chirping of the birds that always hung out by his windowsill. But the moment he opens his eyes, Jeno feels a heavy weight on top of him, pinning him down to his bed motionlessly. He lets the sensation take over him; a gloom in the midst of a wonderful Wednesday morning. He was not tired from yesterday, he has had a long sleep.

Burying himself more under the comforts of his covers, Jeno waits for his alarm to come off. It comes before he falls asleep again - a perfect timing. Otherwise, he would be late for work.

Work was a good twenty five minutes from his apartment building. He takes the train to downtown Seoul, fighting the hassle of morning commute five times a week. The train ride goes for twenty minutes, and Jeno spends the five walking to his building. It’s a good routine; experiencing walks with nature at least once a day in his mornings, even though said nature is polluted air and honking cars and buses that belch dark clouds of fuel smoke into his work attire. 

Good thing the autumn season makes the city more bearable, though. Jeno finds himself liking the tuned down beating of sunlight and the crunch of dead leaves under his shoes. The coldness comforted him, and there was a different lull in the city during the season.

Jeno decides to dawdle for a good three minutes in his bathroom, staring at the single acne spot by his hairline with a grudge, before he finally grabs his toothbrush from the holder and continues to prepare for the day.

The routine continues. Twenty five minutes and he arrives at the publishing company. 

Making his way to the elevator, Jeno sends a curt nod to Moon Publishing Co.’s lovely receptionist named Hyejoo. She was bubbly, perfect for the front desk job since greeting employees in the morning with a warm as sunshine smile was part of its description. At one point, Jeno has been sure that it was a facade - or at least Hyejoo has tried to pretend _once_ \- but within the six months he’s been interning, he has learned that the daily bright disposition has always been real and genuine. Jeno is jealous. 

“Good morning,” Hyejoo says as a reply to Jeno’s nod. The elevator doors close, and Jeno pushes the number 7 button. The elevator doesn’t creak and wince now, unlike the first time he came in the company. 

When Jeno gets to his designated floor, he walks along the hallway to the editorial department - which is loud and crowded when he arrives. He immediately slings his intern ID around his neck, bowing at every upperclassmen who turns at his arrival. The busy 8 AM routine of the office doesn’t halt, so Jeno trudges to his working space with an intent to be just as productive as the editors around him. He has a task from last night, one that he couldn’t finish because interns weren’t privileged for an overtime. Powering on his computer, a hand claps one of his shoulders.

Kim Doyoung’s bright smile greets him. “Did you finish proofreading that one section I gave you?”

Politely, Jeno smiles, “Yes. I’ll email it to you right now, sir.”

“Jeno,” Doyoung’s smile drops into a playful pout, “I told you, _hyung_ is fine.” Then the upperclassman leans in to whisper, “We’re hiring you soon, anyway.”

Jeno sputters, but manages to bow at Doyoung with a flushed face. It wasn’t the first time that his seniors had joked about it, and even their Editor-In-Chief Moon Taeil had told him that it was true; they were going to hire Jeno once his internship contract ends which was only a good four weeks from now. Undoubtedly, Jeno is excited and he feels proud that his employer had seen so much from him, enough to think of hiring him. 

“Thank you so much,” Jeno says with another bow, “I’ll work even harder.”

“As you should,” Doyoung reaches out and pats his shoulder again, “Don’t be like that Park Jisung kid. Gosh, look at him. Ten minutes late for twice a row now.” Jeno chuckles as Doyoung waves when he goes back to his own desk. 

Park Jisung was another intern, an undergraduate one. Jeno is fairly sure that Jisung is just doing it as a course requirement for the fall semester, and Jeno totally understood why the younger intern has no energy. Being a Literature major in his fourth year was hard enough, what more added with the burden of a required internship? Jeno knew the struggle, he’s been there too, after all.

Currently, Jeno logs in to email the file to Doyoung then he proceeds to finish organizing the online archive of the company. It isn’t a tough job, although he knew IT interns could do it better and faster, but it was a task assigned to him so he knows he has to do it. After he ticks off the tasks he’s done, Jeno makes his way to the file room, and expectedly, his junior intern friend is there.

Jisung balances two huge binders in his lanky arms, crossing the small room from one cabinet to another. Upon hearing Jeno’s steps, the younger boy looks up and whines, “Help me.”

Jeno chuckles and goes to help the younger, “Come on. Filing can’t be that bad.”

“I know!” Jisung exclaims and sets the binders on the lonely table. Jeno goes to skim through the stack of papers yet to be organized, “It’s supposed to be easy, but why the hell am I messing it up everytime? Ugh.”

A light and endeared chuckle bubbles out of Jeno. He raises a hand, and slips his fingers through Jisung’s dead hair strands in a ruffle.

Eight hours of work gets done with Jeno clocking out, and with Jisung waving at him goodbye since he took the other road home. Usually, Jeno would directly walk to the metro station, worn out from work and eager to spend his night at his small apartment. Now, though, is one of the days he’d treat himself to a short stroll in the city, maybe eat dinner somewhere or just buy takeout to devour at home (he’s thinking of that ridiculously delicious chicken dish he’s had the other day).

Jeno heads to the city hall, which was just a good few minutes walk from his office so it didn’t take him long to see the tall standing building of Seoul’s city hall. The afternoon sun reflects through the windows, making Jeno squint. 

As per usual, the place is lively, not really crowded, but not a thin view of people as well. Some people hold mini picnics by the widespread of grass in the park despite it being in the middle of autumn, while others bike along the lanes meant for it. Jeno marvels at the sight of the pretty array of gingko trees, staring at the golden yellowness, spotting a few leaves that have yet turned yellow, as he walks down a pathway. 

It leads him to the entrance of the city library adjoining the main hall. Jeno sinks his nose under his scarf, inhaling the fabric softener he always uses, before passing through the automated doors.

He doesn’t hate libraries, nor is he particularly fond of it. Despite being a literature degree holder, Jeno didn’t spend a lot of time in libraries like what common misconceptions would say about him. But still, Jeno basks in the lavender scent of the big building, accompanied by a tinge of an autumn scent that must have creeped from outside where he came from. He looks around, looks at the modern but at the same time preserved-over-time look of the library.

There’s a huge chandelier hanging over his head, and the brick ceiling looks a royal kind of white. Shelves upon shelves of books lay ahead of him, and Jeno lets himself wander section to section, just wherever his feet would drag him to. It’s not wasted time though, because Jeno amuses himself with the familiar titles he finds in between shelved books. 

With one finger running along the spines, Jeno reads the titles under his breath, feeling the tranquil grow in him. It’s a welcomed feeling, but it gets broken when he hears sounds of shuffling from the other side of the shelf. It shouldn’t have been a thing to worry about, but the small yelp and a few thuds against the carpeted floor that follows becomes a little concerning. Jeno walks around the shelf to check the commotion with the willingness to help, and there he sees a figure in the middle of a few fallen books from the top shelf. The figure clutches a _Young Goodman Brown_ copy in between lithe fingers. 

Jeno freezes in his spot with unbelieving eyes. He tries to blink twice, as if it could help clear his sight of the figure’s face, but it’s to no avail. The same face is still there, such a familiar face, and it still makes Jeno heartbeat crazy inside his chest. He couldn’t help it, Jeno couldn’t stop himself from being absolutely breath-taken. Something swirls inside him - elatedness - but he doesn’t know if it’s right to feel this way.

There’s too much awkwardness between them now, so Jeno wills himself to break it. Stepping closer slowly, as if to test the waters, he says, “Hi.” in a breathless manner, “It’s been…”

“So long,” Renjun finishes for him in a small voice. Jeno gasps, now he knows that this is all real - that it really is Renjun in front of him. A two years older Renjun, and the Renjun that Jeno finds out he misses the most even until now. 

“Yeah,” is what Jeno could only muster as a reply. The past few seconds has left him so breathless that he takes in a deep one, willing the shakiness in his throat to disappear because he really, _really_ , wants to speak to Renjun. He clears his throat, and bends down to pick up the books from the carpet. Renjun scrams and follows after him, picking up a couple too. Jeno holds his breath again. 

Renjun still smells the same. The strands of hair that falls over the other’s face as he’s bent down isn’t pink anymore, just a natural shade of black, and it’s shiny and so soft that it still bounces. Jeno used to ruffle it with his fingers when he teased Renjun. A little weight settles on his stomach. 

They meet each other when they both stand straight. Jeno takes the books from Renjun, “Let me put those back.” Then he reaches up to the top shelf and places the books into place effortlessly. When he looks back down at Renjun, he’s looking away, still clutching a Nathaniel Hawthorne short story tightly that the edges start to fold. Jeno refuses to think too much about it, and bites the insides of his cheek. Then in an attempt to lighten up the atmosphere, he jokes, “How’d you reach it up there?”

Good-naturedly, Renjun scoffs, “I didn’t, that’s why they fell.”

It feels so much like before to Jeno. he chuckles, “No way. You didn’t even grow for the past two years? What have you been eating?”

“Hey!” Renjun slaps the thin book lightly across Jeno’s chest, “I am. It’s just that you grow just as much as well so I’m still shorter.”

Jeno only giggles. He’s not sure of what he’s heard, Renjun’s pretty face is still a distraction for him to pay attention. Renjun hasn’t changed a lot, not his appearances at least. He still has the perfect slope in his nose, those pretty pink lips, and the sparkle in his eyes never dimmed. Jeno contains the overwhelming happiness in seeing the boy again, so much that he has to stuff his balled fists inside the pockets of his coat just to stop himself from reaching out. 

At one point within the two years, Jeno had forgotten about Renjun, only for the latter to come back with a much greater force that it feels like Jeno’s heart is being pounded and shattered in one strike. 

Stuttering heartbeats and a quivering lip, Jeno steps away from Renjun.

“So,” Jeno unconsciously rubs the back of his ear, “It’s been a while.”

A wave of tingles invades his whole arm when Renjun curls a hand around his raised wrist, pulling it down with an endeared chuckle, “You always do that.”

“I - “ Jeno splutters. Their connected skin stays in the space between them, until Renjun abruptly lets go of it. 

“Oh - I’m - “ Renjun looks away, “I’m sorry about that.”

It’s still true that he’d missed Renjun so much, but right now, he just wishes he could walk away. They’re being awkward, a different kind from the awkwardness they had before they got closer two years ago. Although Jeno couldn’t pinpoint exactly what it is, he knows that this is different. And that it might be because they’ve left a lot of unsettledness within each other before losing contact. 

No, Jeno is pretty sure it’s that. Renjun might just be thinking of the same things he currently is, so despite the pounding in his chest, Jeno scrunches the fabric of his pocket more and blurts out, “Do you have time?”

Renjun only gapes at him. Jeno is about to take back his words, about to say something he didn’t even know himself, when Renjun cuts him off, “Oh - actually, I need to be somewhere after this.” He says with an apologetic smile - ever so soft and beautiful. Jeno’s heart stutters. 

“Yeah? Soon, then,” Jeno smiles back, “Just to catch up and all. It’s been a while.”

“Yeah, it is,” Renjun looks down, and Jeno sees him thumbing the edge of the small book he held.

With that, Jeno thinks he needs to let go of Renjun for now. “Do you...still use your old number?”

Renjun’s number was never deleted in his contacts. Despite being caught in the busy wind of college, Jeno had always considered contacting the other, but he has always caught nothing. When things got a lot busier in his life, eventually, Jeno never stared at Renjun’s number in his phone screen at 3 AM anymore. Sometimes, he thinks if Renjun had been the same with him, but most times, he didn’t think of Renjun for two years.

“No, not anymore,” Renjun says, “I lost my phone when I went back home a month after the last time I’ve seen you…”

The last time. Jeno remembers the last time they’ve seen each other before today all too well. Was it a good memory to him? The pang of hurt in his chest answers his own question. Maybe Jeno should learn how to handle Renjun-types of heartaches.

Jeno licks his lips and pulls out his phone from inside his messenger bag, “Then you can just - “ he holds out the device to Renjun. 

“Okay,” Renjun takes it without hesitation. 

Jeno peeks at him curiously when he starts smiling to himself. “Why are you laughing?”

Renjun finishes inputting digits and gives it back to Jeno, “Are you really shy when asking for people’s number or is it just around me?”

Jeno burns red from the embarrassment. He knew Renjun meant to bring back the time Jeno had asked for his phone number before. And now, Jeno is fully aware that Renjun had known about the internal turmoil he went through just for that. The memory is still clear in his mind, and he looks away before he could get redder from more embarrassment.

“I should go,” Renjun takes one step back, “Let’s meet again sooner.” Jeno wants to stop him, but he doesn’t. Instead, he nods at Renjun before raising a tentative hand in a goodbye wave.

“Yeah, I’ll text you.”

Before turning away completely, Renjun grins at him, “Sure.”

With that, Jeno is left in an empty aisle with shallow breaths, staring at Renjun’s retreating figure, his heart loudly thumping along the footsteps of the other. One takeaway of his was that the black hair was definitely more perfect than the pink. And the other: he’s still pretty much in love with Renjun.

■■■■■■

A couple of days and a few jitters (mostly from Jeno) later, they meet again. Jeno had found a cozy cafe just near the city hall on a weekend, just so Renjun could get there easily. It’s small and quiet, fitting for Jeno’s ideal space to hang out, and apart from that, he knows Renjun would appreciate the warmth it exudes. Opening the entrance door, one would be greeted with the counter embellished with golden linings and wooden stools, along with the usual menu variety of a cafe. On the beige walls are dupes of classic paintings, some few Jeno could figure as original works. Probably by the owner. With the soft humming of a speaker somewhere along with the wafting smell of coffee, Jeno thinks about filling his palate with a warm drink to fight against the coldness and heaviness of his tongue.

Jeno chooses one of the tables near the window. He knows Renjun would like a view of the people outside. And besides, the same gingko trees from a few days ago stand just as beautifully. He wonders if Renjun had played with the leaves the way he does before.

He chuckles to himself. Renjun had taken pictures of the pretty golden trees, he’s sure. 

As if summoned by Jeno’s thoughts, Renjun makes his presence known with two light raps against the tabletop, bringing Jeno out of his Renjun-shaped reverie. 

Jeno sees the tuft of black hair first, then the bottom half of his face that is covered under a thick scarf. Renjun wore a smile in his eyes and a long coat to protect himself from the growing autumn cold. The other’s face under the soft lighting of the cafe makes him look cozy, and Jeno finds himself liking the view of this Renjun. In typical Jeno fashion, his face heats up before returning the smile with one of his own.

Renjun settles on the chair in front and lowers his scarf, “Still early as ever, Mr. Punctual.”

“And you’re still one minute late like the usual,” Jeno grins back at him. “Do you want to order a drink first?”

“Yes, definitely,” Renjun nods happily, then with a small pout, he adds, “I woke up cold this morning.”

Jeno frowns. He knows Renjun easily gets cold. He’s mentioned to Jeno before during one of their hushed conversations at their university’s library that he wears jackets while working despite the summer since the library’s air-conditioner gets cold on most days. This worry makes Jeno move to walk to the counter to get their drinks, but stops halfway when he notices Renjun standing after him. 

“You’ll have jasmine tea, right? I’ll get it for you. ”

“Yeah, but I’m going with you,” Renjun says, “I don’t want you to pay for both.”

Jeno snorts, “You never let me pay.” Renjun sends him a proud grin as a reply. Jeno finds himself endeared - as if he’s never always endeared with Renjun.

Surprisingly, this moment doesn’t feel like a catch-up hangout to Jeno. Renjun is still the same; all soft smiles and easy banter to him, just the way he always was two years ago. This familiar persona makes Jeno more comfortable than he expected, and he knows that their day will turn out great. Was two years not that long after all? Had Jeno been the only one to feel like it was?

When they line up at the counter in line, Jeno turns to his shorter companion speaking in a teasing tone, “What were you doing with a Hawthorne book last time?”

Renjun scoffs playfully, “Read it, obviously.”

“I thought you said you didn’t like psychological books that much?”

“People change, Lee Jeno.”

“You didn’t change, though, except for your hair color.”

When Renjun doesn’t respond, Jeno looks back at him. The black-haired wears a taken aback look on his face, mouth opening and closing as if gaping like a fish. Jeno’s nerves began to catch fire, and he abruptly regrets the words that he didn’t even notice come out of his mouth. He opens his mouth, but only a scratchy sound of an incoherent syllable makes it out of him.

“Is it good?” Renjun breathes out, “That I didn’t change?”

Air knocked out of his chest, Jeno manages to let out, “Yeah. It is.”

The counter clerk clears his throat, signaling the both of them to actually pay attention to their surroundings. Jeno habitually rubs the back of his ear and looks away from Renjun, moving forward to order their drinks. They’re silent after splitting payment, until they’re back in their table, sitting straight and more awkward than earlier. 

Renjun has his fingers resting around his cup, while Jeno’s laid across his lap, fiddling with a button of his coat. It’s a lot regretful to Jeno, how easily he managed to break the slowly growing comfort enveloping them. Currently mulling over his past words, Jeno bites his lips and refuses to look up. Was it too much of him to mention that Renjun hadn’t changed? He never meant to make Renjun uncomfortable, and although Jeno is fairly sure that Renjun knows that too, he couldn’t help but still worry.

And Renjun must sense it seeping out of him too, because he softly speaks, lips behind the brim of his tea, “So, how are you?” Then he sips his drink gingerly.

It’s a common conversation opener, one Jeno used to say the last time they saw each other at that party -

“Well, of course.” Jeno says to cut off his own thoughts, “Few months after graduation, I got into this internship. I’ve been working for the last six months, and they said they’re planning to hire me when it ends.”

Looking up at Renjun, Jeno sees the other male smiling big at him. It’s a bright one, the same smile that cheered Jeno up a lot in the past. It’s the one that was probably the hardest to forget about Renjun. And it’s the smile that makes his heart stutter in an all-too familiar way.

“I’m glad, Jeno. Congratulations in advance for that.”

Jeno returns his grin just as brightly, “Thank you. How about you? How’s the last two years for you?”

Renjun takes a big breath and puts down his cup in the same soft manner he did in raising it, “I’m working at this company as a relations officer. I think I won’t last there though, since I want to do something more with my degree.” His eyes wander off to the window, just where people walk about under the autumn sun. A faraway look is obvious in his visage, Jeno knows that Renjun is liking the view of people moving along.

“And that is?” Jeno asks, bring his own cup of mocha to his mouth.

Renjun chuckles, then shrugs, still looking out the window, “I have a lot of thoughts, actually. Travel and see the world? Get into research and a masters degree, maybe. Become a museum curator?”

“Everything sounds good, Renjun.” Jeno says earnestly. Renjun had always been the ambitious type, always the good ones too, of course. Jeno likes that for him - having goals and seeing a wider version of the future, it is what Renjun is. It is what Jeno wants Renjun to be as well - a good visionist for his own good, someone who knows his worth and knows how much he can do and can be. 

“Really?” Renjun turns to him, eyes sparkling and lips torn into a beautiful smile.

Renjun’s ambitions and his smiles, maybe they’re all what makes Jeno love the other.

“Yeah,” he nods firmly, “I know you’ll do well in everything.”

“Jeno,” Renjun calls out softly. Jeno watches when he reaches a hand across the table, until a cold palm covers his own, “That means a lot. Thank you.”

The tingles from a few days ago when he’s in the middle of bookshelves makes a return. It runs along his arms until it reaches his chest, vibrations making his heartstrings hum. He’s caught up in the elatedness that Jeno doesn’t hold back in shifting his own fingers, entwining them with Renjun’s thinner ones. A burst of warmth explodes in him, their steady gaze on each other once again igniting the once smothered fire in Jeno. 

It isn’t hard to accept that he still longs for Renjun. Even after two years of thinking that all feelings have faded away.

Renjun stares at their hands, but he doesn’t pull away. There’s just another unreachable look in his face. One day, Jeno tells himself, he will decipher that part of Renjun’s mind. He could reach every part of Renjun.

They are both silent for the next few beats, Jeno only looks at Renjun expecting the latter to speak, or even to just pull away, just do something that would mean something. It starts a storm in Jeno, thinking of what could possibly happen after a bold gesture to hold each other’s fingers like this. Memories of the last time he’d been bold enough run through his mind. Jeno hopes Renjun doesn’t notice the unevenness of his breathing. 

The breakage didn’t come too long, because Renjun speaks even without meeting Jeno’s eyes, tone low in an almost-whisper, “I think I hurt you back then.”

When he texted Renjun yesterday that he wanted them to meet, Jeno prepared himself for the conversation about the things they’ve left unresolved two years back. But he never thought it would come like this - just a few minutes of being together, drinks barely halfway.

No shit, Renjun did hurt him. But Jeno also knows that it wasn’t Renjun’s fault, nor was it anyone else’s. He’d come to terms with that heartbreak, and knows that at that time, maybe it wasn’t meant to be. Maybe fate had something else for them two years ago, and it could be something they could use to be better today. 

This spark of hope - it was dangerous, Jeno knows. But then, he’d played with this spark before. Even though it led both him and Renjun two years of being apart, now he knows today can be its reversal. 

“I was hurt, yes,” Jeno decides to be honest, “but you shouldn’t be sorry, Renjun. It isn’t your fault that you didn’t feel the same way - “

“It is, Jeno,” Renjun cuts him off, still not letting go of their entwined fingers, but now looking straight right into Jeno’s orbs, “I knew I liked you too, but I - “

“What?” Jeno splutters. He wants to hear it again, even though Renjun’s words cut like a blade through flesh. Jeno wants it to replay all over and over again. Jeno wants the words to replace the blood keeping his chest running, wants to inhale it all for himself. All this time, Renjun had liked him too two years ago. Maybe if the kiss happened faster then -

Unconsciously, despite feeling the complete opposite, Jeno’s hold on Renjun’s fingers loosens. Renjun takes it as a signal for rejection, and a dejected look passes and stays on his face when he pulls away. Jeno means to say no and chase after his hand, but decides against it. 

“I…” Renjun starts, Jeno urges him, “I was too scared.”

Jeno wants to ask why - everyone would want to ask why if they were in Jeno’s shoes - but no words roll out of his mouth. Even if he didn’t notice, it would have been incoherent, anyway. 

The quivering in Renjun’s lip becomes obvious, and Jeno could see how the other’s hands clutch his cup so hard that the already pale knuckles turn even paler. Renjun was scared, maybe he’s scared now too. Of what, Jeno doesn’t know. But, oh god, did he want to find out. He wants to know everything, from what Renjun’s faraway looks could mean to everything he’s ever terrified of. 

And maybe that could be the past. Maybe Renjun isn’t scared now, or at least not as much. Jeno wants to believe in that, but he wants to know how believable it could be. So with his heart pumping blood like a caged wild animal, he’s the one who reaches out this time. He reaches out and holds Renjun’s hands over his, loosening the grip the other has around the cup of warmth. 

Jeno takes the dainty hands between his own ones just as carefully as Renjun did to him moments ago, “Are you still scared?”

Hope is a dangerous thing. A spark that can cause wildfire. If it’s to have Renjun again, then Jeno is now a changed man who would trade with fire just so he could. 

“Maybe,” Renjun says shakily. When Jeno looks at him intently, the unshed tears brimming his eyes become more and more obvious, “I still have to find out.”

Jeno brings his thumb to wipe the tears away before they could ruin Renjun’s cheeks. His own eyes burn too, but he doesn’t cry. “Okay.”

“With you, Jeno.” Renjun adds.

The fire licks Jeno’s toes. But then, he wants this, and has always wanted this, so he nods, bringing Renjun’s knuckles against his lips for a light kiss, “I know.”

When the day comes to a close, Jeno brings home with him a bag of food for dinner, and another promise to see Renjun again.

■■■■■■

_It's supposed to be another peaceful night, is Renjun’s first thought upon seeing the all-too familiar glimpse of white hiding behind the trees, jumping from one tall shadow to another. Foxes were supposed to be sly - Renjun scoffs._

_“Maybe you ought to put more effort in sneaking up on me,” Renjun says, knowing that the creature perfectly hears him. The white fur continues to ruffle itself against a tree bark, clearly not having any intentions in making its presence known. Renjun decides to ignore it and brings his knees closer to his chest._

_He’s sitting on the same tree where he and Jeno had been the other night. The view is the same - full moon, its light washing over the blankets of grass and bushes of someone’s garden. Renjun doesn’t know if Jeno is going to see him here - much more join him for the night - but he’s fallen for the small spark of hope inside him._

_Getting him out of his thoughts, Renjun hears another rustle behind the trees, obviously brought by the same creature that has disturbed his peace moments ago. This makes Renjun groan - it was up to something, and the only way to find out is to talk._

_“Just come out and say what you have to say now,” Renjun says irritatingly. The rustling stops at that though, and a few light patters against the grass follows, an indication that the fox is walking towards him. Renjun doesn’t make a sound of stopping it, and even lets the fox settle comfortably beside him. He blinks once, and the white fur is replaced by a male body, tanned skin and slit-shaped, red ruby eyes - not quite as red as Renjun’s strings, though._

_The figure wraps himself with his flimsy white robe tighter, probably finally feeling the chilling breeze of the night. Renjun recognizes the face, of course. Yongqin is the only huli jing who would have the guts to spy on Renjun, and the only huli jing who knows that Renjun would talk to him. Renjun scoffs playfully, but the roll of his eyes is telling that he knows what Yongqin is here for._

_Maybe not exactly, but Renjun is not as nonchalant as the higher deities think - he’s reading the lines too, and he was not in denial, although he just wants to be._

_“What are you doing here?” Renjun asks anyway. He sees Yongqin shift to comfortably cross his outstretched legs, arms behind him to keep himself upright._

_Yongqin answers the question with one of his own, “What are_ you _still doing here?”_

_The snarky demeanor irks Renjun. Yongqin is in no position to question a deity’s action, much more fate himself. But then, this could be understandable - what was Renjun still doing here?_

_“I could ask the same to you,” Renjun evades the provoking question, “Your owner must be missing you a lot by now.” The latter sentence comes out as a mumble under his breath, but Renjun could tell that Yongqin has heard it anyway._

_As a response, Yongqin tuts, “I am not a pet.”_

_Yongqin sure looks like one - if only the nine tails were a bit mediated. Renjun likes it more when the huli jing is in his human form. Despite the natural nine-tailed fox form looking regal and beautiful, it’s easier for him to talk to Yongqin like this. Definitely better than having Yongqin’s voice inside his head and having those goosebumps-worthy red eyes pierce through him (at least in human form, Yongqin’s red pupils were toned down a little). It feels less intimate like this, more comfortable than feeling like Yongqin is actually going through his head._

_Renjun continues to stare at the same moon he serves, hoping Jeno would appear soon just so Yongqin could leave - he hates interacting with humans, except if it’s for feeding purposes. But even as seconds pass by, there’s no single sign of Jeno’s presence, and Yongqin still sits beside him, humming a song so lightly Renjun’s ears would have missed it if the garden wasn’t so quiet. Despite ignoring it, Renjun still can’t control the nerves that shake his heart. Yongqin’s presence tells enough of what was about to happen._

_And Renjun is never wrong - he is fate, after all - because the huli jing cuts the tension with a slash of his bladed words, “ I know why you’re here.”_

_“Does it matter now?” Renjun spits back. His fists clench the silk of his red robes, the fabric scrunching and he grimaces more. Jeno would be mad if he sees the creases, he always tells Renjun that his robes were expensive in this world. So with a deep breath, he spreads his fingers, letting go of the fabric and smoothening it out, also as an attempt to keep his manner calm._

_But Yongqin does not have second thoughts in driving him up, “He will never love you back.”_

_Renjun’s breath hitches._

_He knows this all too well, Yongqin didn’t have to tell him. Renjun knows this for so long, and he’s never gone against it - it was just how the world works. Somehow, hearing it from Yongqin makes something from inside him burn. It makes his lips quiver, hands unrelenting from scrunching up his expensive clothing. Renjun is angry. Is the anger directed to Yongqin?_

_“I know,” the deity unconsciously raises his voice, gritting his teeth against each other to stop himself from raging, “I was the one who chose his bride, Yongqin. I tied that string around his ankle.”_

_Unrelenting, Yongqin grabs both of Renjun’s shoulders, it makes both of their eyes meet in such a harsh gaze,“Then why are you here? Why are you ruining the balance?”_

_Renjun breathes heavily, fire inside him crackling. He pushes the huli jing away before the spark turns hotter and bigger, “I am not! I have never acted on what I feel.” He spits the words right on Yongqin’s face, hoping a deity’s impatience could drive the creature away. But, just as Yongqin always is, the huli jing doesn’t back out, not to Renjun._

_Yongqin grabs his face this time, letting Renjun’s heavy pants fan his face uncomfortably, “You will, I just know it.” His voice drops, “You should not keep on seeing that villager boy, Moon. You will betray the world, anger the Jade Emperor. They will both be merciless - “_

_“You do not know love, creature.” Renjun pushes him away completely and abruptly stands. If Yongqin isn’t leaving, then he surely is. “You, of all creatures, wouldn’t know love.”_

_“So just because you get to witness love all the time, you can think that you’re not the same as me?”_

_Within a flash of light, Renjun jumps on Yongqin -_

_“Renjun?”_

_The deity looks back, then composes himself when he sees the human he’s been waiting for appear behind another large tree. Jeno’s form comes into full view, eyebrows scrunching in utter worry and eyes looking around as if searching. Renjun manages to even out his breathing, although the erratic beating in his chest doesn’t._

_“Were you with someone just now?” Jeno says cluelessly._

_Renjun watches the white fur swaying behind Jeno’s shoulder, red ruby eyes staring back at him, nine tails waving behind a stand-talling, majestic natural form of a huli jing. Yongqin tilts his head, fox ears slightly shifting as if expecting something. It irks Renjun, he knows the creature can feel his nerves, the beats of his own heart._

_“Yes,” Renjun breathes out, then breaks away to look at Jeno, “but he just left.”_

_Jeno only nods. The huli jing disappears behind the shadows as Jeno walks briskly to where Renjun stands. The deity holds his breath, too afraid that Jeno might catch him being in a bad condition, when the boy reaches out and smoothens the creases of his robes, “What were you doing?”_

_His tone is nothing but curiosity, so Renjun harmlessly answers, “Just talking.”_

_“Okay,” Jeno gives up on the scrunched up silk. “You look tired, Renjun.”_

_“Do I?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“Then maybe I should go.”_

_“But I just arrived -“ Jeno stops himself, and Renjun wonders why. The deity gets an answer when Jeno’s thumb comes up to wipe across the skin of his cheek, “Why are you crying? Did something happen while I was not here - “_

_“Jeno,” Renjun cuts him off with his own hand against the other’s cheek, “I have to go.”_

_A confused look from Jeno and it has Renjun wanting to backtrack and take back his words. His chest clenches, he does not even notice how he’s shed tears. The boy searches for answers through passing the deity a pleading look. Renjun almost gives in. Almost._

_No matter how much Renjun could be angry, he knows that Yongqin was right._

■■■■■■

Jeno is thinking about how pretty the birds look when they flock around the crumbs of bread children leave on the pavement when the light tug on his sweater comes. Detaching himself from the railing he’s leaning on, Jeno meets a red-nosed Renjun brought by the increasingly cold weather.

“I told you to dress properly,” Jeno says instead of a greeting, then he reaches out to wrap the scarf around the other’s neck more securely, “The last time you went out with me like this you ended up with a cold the next morning.”

Renjun lets him adjust the scarf and tug on his jacket tighter around his lithe (and cold) body, “That was just a slight cold.”

“Still,” Jeno sighs, “are you that excited to see me that you forget it’s getting colder outside everyday?” he teases.

Despite the scoff Renjun gives, his face reddens even more, and Jeno holds onto that as a victory in flustering the other. More endeared, Jeno entwines his fingers with Renjun’s, and keeps it inside his pocket as they start to walk beside Han River. It’s warmer like this. 

It has been a couple of weeks since they’ve established this; going out on dates and taking it slow. Jeno makes sure he doesn’t step beyond the invisible line that Renjun doesn’t want him to cross, and in return, Renjun is trying his best to open up more to him. It’s been great like this, Jeno thinks. Taking Renjun out on strolls after work, or if they have more time they go out for dinner, it’s everything Jeno could ever want and more. Although Renjun is still lenient about a lot of things, Jeno is always patiently looking out for him, waiting.

Jeno likes to think that Renjun is growing more and more comfortable around him, if the way he’s letting Jeno hold his hand like this is a development. 

“What were you doing?” Jeno asks as they continue to walk.

Renjun leans closer to him, eyes still watching past Jeno and into the pretty river, “Nothing, actually. Your timing was perfect since I was getting bored at home.”

Today is a free weekend for Jeno, and surprisingly, for Renjun too. It took him a little bit of hesitation, but Jeno managed to ask Renjun out for the afternoon, babbling about the Han river being beautiful in autumn instead of saying he missed Renjun. Jeno was too afraid he might come off too clingy that Renjun grew uncomfortable. 

There’s a lot of that in Jeno lately - push and pull, hesitation. It’s not a bad thing though, as long as he does it for Renjun. 

From inside the pocket of his sweater, Jeno clutches Renjun’s hand tighter, “I’m glad then.”

Renjun hums, “Is there anything particular you wanted to do?”

“Not really,” Jeno abandons all shame and replies honestly, then flashes his date a cheeky grin, “I just wanted to see you and hold your hand.”

Instantly, Renjun visibly burns up in embarrassment and looks away. His cheeks bloom red against the cold, and his pupils quiver as if not knowing where to look. It makes Jeno chuckle, endeared, so he reaches out and tickles the underside of Renjun’s chin. The flush is easily worn out of Renjun’s visage though, at the moment the older spots a small ball of fur under the bushes, quivering and mewling.

With a gasp, Renjun’s hand slips away from Jeno’s as he runs to the poor kitten and crouches down, lips curling in a pout. Jeno watches him coo and cradle the little furry between his palms, attempting to shush its cries with a finger massaging the space between its eyes. The gesture proves to be effective because not long after, the kitten starts to quiet and snuggles closer to the warmth emanating from Renjun’s hand. 

Even kittens can easily fall in love with Renjun.

“It must be cold,” Renjun mutters forlornly. He continues stroking the kitten’s fur.

“Why is it alone?” Jeno says and crouches next to Renjun, eyeing the small animal huddling between Renjun’s palms, “Do you think it's abandoned by its mom?”

“The mom might have gone looking for food,” Renjun says.

Jeno watches the kitten snuggle and purr, suddenly pouting himself, “It likes you so much.”

“You think?” Renjun chuckles, still stroking the fur lightly. “You can pet it too, Jeno. I think it will like you too.”

Jeno snorts, then looks at Renjun dead in the eye, “You forgot that I’m allergic.”

Renjun’s eyes and mouth zeroes in realization, “Oh my god, I totally did. How are your cats at home though?”

“They’re fine, still cute as ever. I visited last summer,” Jeno says, thinking about his three adorable little cats at home. A memory of Bongshik sleeping on his neck flashes on his mind, when the morning came that day he had woken up with a badly swelling and running nose.

“They must be adorable,” Renjun muses, “Do you think I could meet them?”

Jeno pauses. Did he want to bring Renjun home and meet the cats? The thought simply doesn’t bother him, Renjun would spend a good time knowing how much he is endeared by pets. But the implication behind it - did he want to bring Renjun _home_? Jeno does, he knows this for himself. Maybe Renjun doesn’t realize his words, but nonetheless, it makes Jeno’s heart sing happily. So he nods.

“Of course, soon.”

“That’s nice.” Renjun grins at him, then slowly puts back down the kitten that has fallen into a nap on his hand, “I hope the mom comes back soon, if she would ever.”

“Yeah, me too,” Jeno says, brushing away a few strands of Renjun’s hair that falls over his pretty eyes. He thinks Renjun is still as cute as ever, still the bright boy he knew back in college. Knowing that this part of Renjun didn't change comforts Jeno, it makes him feel like they weren’t apart and they didn’t hurt - like those two years were just a part of a waiting game. A lessening of the actual burden. 

Renjun looks at him with an appreciative smile before standing back up. Jeno watches as the other mischievously grins, and starts skipping his way down the pathway. The younger laughs it off before starting to go after Renjun’s trails.

“What are you doing, Huang Renjun? Wait for me,” Jeno says in between chuckles.

Renjun doesn’t wait, but he turns back with his beautiful grin, completely disregarding Jeno’s playful complaint, “The weather is good.”

“It’s cold,” Jeno snorts.

“Yeah,” Renjun says, turning back again on his merry way, “but if it means I could feel warm with you like this, then it’s good.”

Jeno, taken aback, stops in his steps, and just stands there watching Renjun’s giddy back skipping away from him. The skin on his chest thrums, caused by the harsh vibrations of his fastly beating heart. Renjun has his ways on Jeno, so easily making him keen and fall to his knees. Breathing heavily, Jeno dares to savor the moment - he feels elated, so elated and maybe even a little _loved_. He feels a little tug on his heart, and Jeno knows where it will lead him - to Renjun, as it should be. 

When Jeno feels himself calm down, he calls out to Renjun. The latter looks back at him, “Yeah?”

Renjun looks like an angel like this - the yellow afternoon glow covering his form, hair ruffled by the wind and his lips pulled up in a soft smile. It seems like this is a privilege, it’s too much for Jeno’s heart and he feels so lucky to have met his boy again now that they’re better, and now that they’re both not holding back. Jeno is more than happy, he hopes this moment lasts, or that he could have more of this in the future. 

Thinking of it like that now doesn’t feel like wishful thinking, unlike how it was before. It always stuck on Jeno how the past two years were such a short time, but at the same time, felt so long. How did he miss Renjun so much like this?

Jeno feels his blood flow until to the ends of his fingers, energy buzzing from him like a freshly woken up teen on a fine weekend. “Let’s go on a trip. You and me.”

The smile on Renjun’s face grows bigger, until he brightens up like the sun above the river waters beside them. Jeno gets air knocked out of his lungs - literally - when the older runs to him and tackles him into a big hug, head buried in Jeno’s chest and lithe arms somehow constricting the younger’s lungs from breathing. Despite the physical predicament, Jeno laughs it off, too caught up in the pleasant feeling fizzling in his chest.

“When? Where?” Renjun looks up to him cheerily. Jeno stares back at his sparkling, all-too pretty eyes.

Jeno hums and wriggles his way out of Renjun’s hold easily, just so he could return it by enveloping the older with his own bear hug, “Whenever we’re free. We can go anywhere you want to. Didn’t you say you want to visit this garden outside the city?”

Jeno starts thinking about it there and then - Renjun and his shimmering eyes in the middle of a flourishing garden filled with autumn leaves and blooms, black hair against the sunlight. Maybe they could visit the beach too, before it gets colder for the winter. And Jeno thinks about spending a night with Renjun, breathing each other’s scent as they drift off to sleep. It could be amazing, just them both.

Fully on board with the idea, Renjun giggles, “Yes. We could go anywhere.”

Jeno presses a light kiss against Renjun’s hair, a familiar scent washing over him and calming his already calmed heart. He finds himself agreeing with Renjun as though he doesn’t agree with the other all the time.

They could go anywhere. 

■■■■■■

When the sun has fully set and the outside becomes filled with sparkling city lights, Jeno helps himself with a good shower and soon a good sleep. Today has been a little more hectic than usual at the office, and a particular kid (read: Jisung) annoyed him to his death. That’s probably the reason behind the low ache at the base of his neck. He’s drying off his hair at the bathroom with a towel lazily, making a mental list of the house chores he has to catch up to tomorrow since it’s the weekend as he glares at the dirty spot in his bathroom mirror. 

Hanging up the used towel on a rack to let it dry, Jeno flinches when he hears the loud ringtone of his phone all the way from his bedside. It’s a little unusual to receive calls at such an hour - eleven in the evening and someone had to call? - so Jeno wonders what it could be. Oh well, there was only one way to find that out, right? He trudges to his bed, hair now damp than wet, and picks up the device into his face.

Just one look at the contact name sends Jeno’s heart into a flurry. Renjun’s name, and a shameless heart emoticon right after it, stares back at him. Jeno wastes no time in answering the call, already anticipating what Renjun might have called him for. 

When he presses it against his ear, Jeno only hears a small sigh, slightly distorted by the static. “Hey,” Jeno says. 

Renjun giggles, and it goes straight to Jeno’s heart, “Hi, Jeno.”

Instantly, Jeno brightens up at the sound of his name in Renjun’s voice. He plops down onto his mattress and meets the boring white ceiling of his bedroom, “It’s getting late. Are you okay?”

“Yes,” Renjun breathes out then there’s a light sound of shuffling at the other end of the line probably caused by the other shifting positions, “I’m just…”

“Hm,” Jeno hums, encouraging the other to share, “Tired?” He moves to get under his blanket, feeling all warm from the cover and from the voice he loves so much.

“Not really. I meant to say I was thinking of you just now.”

Relishing in the pleasant surge of energy in him, Jeno lets himself chuckle, amused at Renjun’s boldness and loving the way his heart flutters at such a statement. It makes Jeno’s cheeks burn with endearment, “Stop saying things like that.”

“Why?” Renjun whines, “I was being honest, Lee Jeno.”

Jeno thought it was impossible to feel so adored, much more by Renjun. He clutches his uncontrollably beating heart, fisting the thin fabric of his sleep shirt. This Renjun is kind of insufferable, Jeno finds. The older male had been throwing cheesy lines at him since that day at the park for reasons Jeno doesn’t know nor does he even care about. Renjun makes his heart soar everytime, and he feels adored. Maybe a lot more than that, too.

“I might like it too much, though,” Jeno breathes out with a giggle. Just as it was hard to conceal his natural reaction to a cheeky Renjun, it’s also a challenge to not return the same fervidness of showing his feelings. 

The laugh that Renjun lets out through the phone call is a little muffled, so Jeno guesses that the other must be buried under his duvet. The thought of Renjun being warm and cuddled by blankets at night makes Jeno smile, a little less worried of his love being cold in the middle of autumn. 

“That’s a good thing, anyway.” Renjun says finally. 

“I was thinking of you too,” Jeno blurts out as soon as he feels the need to tell this to Renjun, “I’m always thinking of you.”

When silence replaces the sweet voice of Renjun’s giggles in his ear, Jeno doesn’t worry. Somehow, he knows that there’s nothing to worry about silence now, and that silence could even mean Renjun is smiling so much that he couldn’t speak. It is what Jeno wants it to mean. To him now, Renjun’s silence is comfort. 

Jeno turns to lay on his side, phone still pressing against his ear, waiting for Renjun’s reply. He’s able to count two more beats, before the other finally speaks. 

“Jeno.”

“Yeah?” Jeno answers without hesitation.

“I haven’t eaten dinner,” is what he says. Jeno is about to interrupt with a scolding when he continues, “and I miss you a lot.”

Upon the realization of what Renjun is implying, Jeno decides to snort and tease, “A lot?”

“Yes.”

Jeno could imagine the sweet sanguine blush that probably crosses Renjun’s face when he tells him this. He could never erase every detail of a flushed Renjun - it was something Jeno adored a lot in him, just one of the many things. 

“Okay, then.”

It isn’t hard to give in - Jeno would always give in to Renjun as much as he could, and tonight he couldn’t offer any form of negation at the invitation - so despite how his day had ended sourly, Jeno gets up and fetches a good enough jacket, his wallet and his keys before tying up his sneakers, still with Renjun’s soft humming on his ear.

The humming is soon cut off while Jeno goes to unmount his bicycle against a rack on the wall, “Are you sure it’s okay?” Renjun says in a small voice, but not small enough for Jeno to miss it, “I was just...being clingy and annoying - “

“It’s okay,” Jeno reassures him and checks his gears, “I’m ready to go, anyway, so you can be sure I’m not changing my mind, Huang.”

To this, Renjun laughs softly, “Okay. Be safe, alright? And it’s cold too…”

Jeno, endeared at the small worries about him in Renjun’s head, nods even though he knows the other won’t be able to see it, “Yes, I’m all covered and warm enough.” 

Before Renjun could worry even more, just like he always does, Jeno tells him to hang up. Renjun does, albeit reluctantly, and Jeno sets off into the almost-midnight, literally riding at (almost) dawn for Renjun. 

Still surprisingly, for Jeno, Renjun’s home isn’t that far from his, although not near enough to walk. He learned this when he once accompanied the other home. Jeno cycles his way through the still-lively street, clad in his thick jacket over his sleeping clothes. 

Jeno straps his bicycle on the stand at the complex’s parking area, then goes to buzz at Renjun’s unit. The latter might have known it was him, so the main door beeps almost immediately. Jeno wastes no time and trudges up the stairs, instantly savoring the warmth that greets him. 

Down the hallway of his floor, Renjun stands by the door in his own pajamas. He has an anticipating look on his face, one that Jeno couldn’t help but to chuckle at.

“Did you wait long?” he says, minimizing the distance between him and Renjun. A little look to the left and Jeno finds Renjun’s door opened, revealing a little bit of the neat hallway. The last time Jeno's been here, he’d only had a glimpse of the hallway too - just like this. The thought of a subtle development in their relationship makes Jeno grin at the man before him.

Renjun shakes his head as a reply, “No. You really came.” A hand comes up to the crown of Jeno’s head. He can’t help but close his eyes and relish at the touch. “Was it cold?”

“Yeah,” Jeno snatches Renjun’s hand in his, feeling the seeping warmth of the smooth palm against his, “but not anymore.”

Renjun snorts, “Okay, cheesy.”

“You were too! On the phone,” Jeno whines with a playful pout.

With a giggle, Renjun finally pulls Jeno into his home.

The apartment is a loft room - the low ceiling of the entryway leads to the small but cozy living room. Jeno watches as Renjun shuffles around, padding his little feet in a haste to the one-wall kitchen on Jeno’s left. It’s when he learns that Renjun had been in the middle of preparing something when he arrived. 

“You can look around,” Renjun says, shooting Jeno one of his pretty small smiles. 

Jeno lets himself wander a little. His fingers lightly touch the railings of the stairs that most probably leads to Renjun’s bed (which he did not dare snoop at). There’s a couch adjacent to the kitchen wall, a coffee table in the middle, and parallel to it is a TV settled on a low shelf - it’s not playing anything, so Renjun might have been on his bed during their call. 

Jeno’s favorite would be the floor-to-ceiling windows of Renjun’s apartment. It’s currently draped with thick curtains, but as Jeno peeked through it, a view (although not so breathtaking) of the streets stay alive three stories under him. 

In the background, Renjun’s chopping continues to resound. Jeno decides to join him, curious at whatever the dish could be. 

“Why didn’t you eat earlier?” He asks.

Renjun prepares a pan and turns on the stove as he answers, “I got too busy with work that I forgot.”

Jeno watches him pour enough oil, “That’s not good.” 

“It won’t happen again,” Renjun shrugs, then hovers a hand on the oiled pan, checking if it’s hot enough. Confirming that it is, he begins the cooking. 

Jeno just stands by him throughout the whole ordeal, opting to not break Renjun’s system in the kitchen. He didn’t need to ask to know that it was stir-fried vegetables, his chest only gets warmer when he finds the rice cooker turned on and heating its contents. 

Watching Renjun like this makes it feel all so domestic and warm, a perfect moment on an autumn night. Jeno thinks, was it too early to wish for more moments like this? Make it last longer?

“Why are you staring,” Renjun laughs as he works.

Jeno, snapped out of his prior trance, bashfully grins at him, “Just things.” He moves to grab two bowls from a cupboard (a lucky guess, that part) and fills it with rice, “Was work tough?”

“It’s always tough,” Renjun says, “but it’s bearable. Better than nothing, right?”

Jeno pauses to rub Renjun’s shoulder, “You’ll get there.” He doesn't know a lot of comforting words, because Jeno isn’t really much of a talker, but he hopes what he means to say gets through Renjun.

“I know. Thank you,” Renjun says with a smile - one that Jeno falls for all over again - and rubs his cheek against Jeno’s knuckles. 

The smile he sends as a reply is natural, the one that shows without him trying, and he gets back to serving. 

The small table of the living room is all set with utensils and steaming rice when the main dish gets served by Renjun. He takes a few plates of side dishes with him, and despite being full from his own dinner earlier, Jeno couldn’t help but get hungry at the smell of flavors. They both sit on the floor cushions facing each other.

Jeno takes the first bite, as per Renjun’s insistence, and hums when he finds it good. “It’s good, Renjun.”

A proud shimmer blankets both of Renjun’s eyes and he lightly thumps his own chest with a small fist, “Of course it is.”

Laughing fully at the silliness, throwing his head back in bliss, Jeno feels full just with a small moment like this. Their shared night closes with Renjun rubbing his nose against Jeno’s cheek, both of them cuddling each other as they let sleep take over. 

■■■■■■

The trip happens two weeks after it’s planned, just after a couple of days Jeno gets hired at his publishing company. It was a reason to celebrate, so the man didn’t hesitate in going all out. Despite a few minutes of Renjun nagging at him for making unnecessary spending for a four-star hotel room for a night, Jeno doesn’t regret it. Aside from an occasion, Renjun only deserves his best efforts. 

Another to mention, Jaemin had finally heard from Jeno himself that he and Renjun started dating again. The storytelling was quite a feat; Jaemin being Jaemin, he’s overly enthusiastic about the whole thing, fake-crying about Jeno finally meeting the boy of his dreams for the second time. He even had the best friend talk of _needing_ to meet Renjun again too, _properly this time,_ in his words. Although it's annoying, Jeno knows it’s how Jaemin pours out his support. 

That, and doing the deed of renting Jeno a car for this trip. Thankfully, Jeno’s driving skills aren’t shit - and so is the permit sitting in his wallet - so the effort isn’t a wasted case. Renjun doesn’t know about the car though. Jeno actually forgot to mention it to the other, but now that they’re soon going, he settles for it to be a surprise (kind of). 

The day is perfect, almost as if it was meant to be Renjun and Jeno’s day. The sun is out, peeking between the lovely autumn clouds, and the cosmos flowers seem to be blooming a lot brighter. The latter could just be in Jeno’s mind, a little muddled from the excitement and happiness. There’s an obvious skip in his steps, and he’s playing with the car keys that are stuffed in the pocket of his beige coat.

Jeno sends Renjun a quick text that he’s on his way to pick him up. It’s not too long before it gets read, and comes after is Renjun’s _Be safe!_

If it only takes Jeno fifteen minutes (tops!) to bike to Renjun’s place, it obviously takes even shorter than that by car. Soon enough, he’s pulling up at the parking area, and buzzes the bell to Renjun’s door. The main door beeps, and it allows Jeno to enter. He practically runs up to the stairs, and knocks on the apartment he’s been staying a lot in lately.

Renjun almost immediately opens the door and greets him with a wide grin, duffle bag in one hand, neck wrapped in a checkered scarf. He looks warm and happy, Jeno likes to think it’s because of him. 

“Excited?” Jeno chuckles. 

Renjun answers him with a hug - to which Jeno returns just as tightly - and with a tinkling laugh, “Totally.” The atmosphere gets warmer as he rubs his cheek against Jeno’s ear playfully. 

They break away, and Jeno takes the bag while Renjun locks his door. Hand in hand, they trudge down the stairs. 

“What - no way,” Renjun breathes out when Jeno shows him their ride. 

He giggles at the reaction, “Do you remember Jaemin?”

“Oh, your best friend?” Renjun says, walking around the car to take his spot at the passenger seat. 

Jeno opens the door to his own place, the same time as Renjun does, and gets in, “Yeah. I told him about you and - “

“You,” Renjun looks bewildered, pointing a finger at himself, “told him about me?”

“Um, yes,” Jeno rubs the back of his neck as it starts to feel hotter. A blush grows and sits prettily over his cheeks, “Are we - are we going too fast?”

When Renjun had accepted Jeno’s heart - and gave him his in return - they’ve agreed on going slow for this relationship. Jeno knows that Renjun is still hung up on something, and he knows that Renjun recognizes this too. Mutually agreed upon, it was the best course of action; go slow. Although there are moments that Jeno gets too happy and now he’s worried that he might have -

“No!” Renjun exclaims, then calms down when he noticed he’d startled Jeno, “I mean - no. That’s actually...sweet. Thank you.” He coughs awkwardly, blushing furiously just as Jeno, “So this is his?”

“No, he rented it for me.”

“And you can drive? Without killing me?”

Jeno plays to be offended, placing a hand on his chest with a dramatic gasp, “You underestimate me.”

The laugh that comes next resounds inside the vehicle, making Jeno smile as well. Just like usual, Renjun’s laugh warms up his cold fingers. He playfully slaps Jeno’s shoulder, then creeps his hand over Jeno’s, the one over his heart. The gesture makes Jeno’s heart beat faster but unlike two years ago, he wants Renjun to feel it just as much as he feels it thumping. Fingers instantly entwine together, like liquid imitating the shape of a cup - so easy, so natural.

“This is a lot, Jeno.” Renjun whispers, and it’s clear to Jeno’s ears.

“I want to give you a good time,” he insists. Although he was definitely excited at the idea of a trip, Renjun had been lenient about the expenses, about spending too much time away from their lives and usual routine. 

“You always do.”

“Then this way it’ll get better.”

Renjun smiles, small and soft just like always. A part of that always is making Jeno smile back naturally, “Okay, then.”

Jeno couldn’t help but be brave at this moment, so he takes a step as he brings the back of Renjun’s hand close to his cheek, then leaves a butterfly kiss against the skin. 

During the three-hour drive, Renjun takes the liberty to play his favorite songs, introducing each one to Jeno including the Chinese tunes. It gets distracting to Jeno at times, but he tries his best not to. Renjun’s energy goes at peak whenever his childhood song comes on, apparently. He entertains Jeno with snacks as the latter minds the road, reaching across to feed him like a mother bird. Sometimes the chip pokes the corner of Jeno’s mouth as Renjun misses, but that is what makes it more endearing.

“The weather is good,” Renjun muses, head against the window, energy depleted from singing too many pop songs. There’s only R&B left now, and it plays in a lower volume than moments ago. 

Jeno hums in agreement, “We picked the right time, then.”

“Yeah,” Renjun giggles. “Oh - that’s so pretty!”

Jeno lets out a confused noise, before slowing down to follow Renjun’s line of sight - he’s looking over a field by the road, doused in autumn sunlight, a field of tall and healthy-looking silver grass. It seems to stretch on for a wider land, making it seem endless into the horizon and indeed, pretty. Jeno entertains the idea that pops into his head.

“Don’t they die in winter?” Renjun questions as Jeno pulls up by the side of the road. 

“Yeah,” Jeno says, undoing his seatbelt, “so you’d want to take pictures right now.” Renjun claps at this, out of excitement, and they climb out of the vehicle. It’s a little windy, the chill that comes makes Jeno wrap himself up a bit tighter as he admires the foliage dancing along.

Jeno holds Renjun’s old camera (“This baby lasted for the whole of my college years!” he had told Jeno) as the latter tries to stage a pose, their eyes meeting through the viewfinder. He gets a little distracted - Renjun is too handsome without even trying - but manages to snap out a single shot. 

“Another one!” Jeno calls out. Renjun shifts to a more comfortable pose, head tilted up to the clear sky, letting himself be bathed by sunlight. Jeno smiles, mainly because Renjun looks beautiful like this, and takes the picture. It comes out good.

“Your turn,” Renjun tries to grab him by the arm, but Jeno stops him with a chuckle. 

“I want to take it with you.”

Renjun grins at him, big. There’s a flutter in his chest as they both begin to set up the camera on the car’s roof, lens adjusted and angled towards the pretty sight with Jeno in the middle of it all. Renjun sets the timer and dashes towards Jeno’s open arms. They both laugh, and the shutter goes off right on time.

■■■■■■

When they get to their booked hotel, Renjun immediately throws himself on the queen-sized bed, followed by a big laugh because his body bounces out of will. 

Jeno laughs along, setting his own luggage at the foot of the bed. The soft mattress dips when he sits by Renjun’s sprawled out legs. “Do you want to rest and see that garden tomorrow or go after lunch and spend the whole day here tomorrow instead?”

Renjun thinks hard as he stares up at the white ceiling above their to-be-shared bed, giving Jeno a few seconds of silence. The wait didn’t last for too long, because he answers, “Let’s go today?”

“Let’s get lunch then.”

The hotel booking apparently comes with two passes of buffet lunch, to which both of them happily availed. The food selection is an abundance, and Renjun couldn’t stop wow-ing at every bite. Jeno laughs at him each time, but he totally agrees with the reaction. Overall, lunch was great - feastful - that Jeno could conclude his taste buds have gone officially numb from all the taste experience.

(Renjun had teased Jeno when he said that, as if he doesn’t have his own dramatic moments.)

Currently, they’re back at their room getting ready to go out again. Jeno watches Renjun brush his hair, leaning against the door frame of the bathroom. Renjun sees him through the mirror and rolls his eyes playfully, to which Jeno only chuckled at, feeling endeared. He drops the hairbrush, then turns to face Jeno properly, “What’s in me to stare at, Lee Jeno?”

Jeno bites his lip, struggling to stay sane right at the moment. The cause could be easily pointed at Renjun’s lips, shiny and red since it’s freshly applied with balm. They stretch into a small smile, and Jeno is shortly transported to the time they first met - those same lips had been wrapped around a piece of candy, until Renjun pops it out of his mouth to say something Jeno hadn’t heard. 

“A lot,” is what Jeno answers in a daze. Renjun’s giggle that comes after brings him back to reality. 

“You’re getting cheesier everyday.”

Jeno’s heart rate skyrockets and he stiffens when Renjun steps closer, their faces inches apart. A kiss doesn’t come, because Renjun moves to smoothen out Jeno’s jacket, and gets rid of a lint or two. It doesn’t make the thumping stop though.

He and Renjun had been close, even cuddled to sleep a few times now, but they haven’t kissed yet. Not on the forehead, not on cheeks, lips made no contact with skin. Jeno isn’t rushing for a kiss, and it seems like Renjun isn’t either. He likes to think that what he has for Renjun is delicate and fragile, something he just can’t break for a kind of physical contact. 

It would be so easy to steal a kiss right now, though. Renjun is just here, they share a room, and Jeno could just swoop down and claim the lips of the boy he’s ever yearned for. 

“We should go,” Jeno says in a low voice, hoarse and dry as if he didn’t drink water just minutes ago. It’s an attempt to stop himself, but as soon as Renjun looks up with shining eyes, his thread of patience almost snaps. 

“Of course,” Renjun breaks away and passes by to grab his coat, leaving Jeno to inwardly groan before shutting off the bathroom lights.

The drive to the butterfly garden that Renjun had been gushing about takes half an hour since apparently, it’s located at the hills of the province. Jeno doesn’t complain though, because he gets to witness another (although shorter) round of Renjun’s car concerts. 

Afternoon sunlight beams through the gaps between trees, casting the road ahead of them streaks of golden light. The sight only gets prettier when they pass by fields and even a few animals, until they go uphill and witness overlooking views that are equally just as beautiful. 

The sight of nature calms Jeno. It’s been so long since he had gone away from the city. Although Seoul pretty much has everything he needs, this trip is just the perfect way to take a break from his routine before his life in the city gets more hectic with the new job he’s got. What makes it even more special is that he gets to spend it with Renjun. Jeno is feeling more and more relaxed, knowing that Renjun is having fun as much as he does. 

“Hey,” Renjun says in a small voice. When Jeno takes a brief look at the other, Renjun is looking away, eyes drifting off although they’re directed at the trees they pass by. 

“Yeah?”

“I need to confess something,” This time, Renjun faces him. As much as Jeno wants to look at him, he keeps his focus on the road, still having Renjun’s voice in his ears as the other speaks, “When we met again in the city library…”

“What is it?” Jeno gives him an encouraging look. There’s a sigh, then Renjun scoots closer to rest his head on Jeno’s shoulder as the latter drives. Jeno smiles at this, and bumps his temple against Renjun’s head. 

“So, when we met there for the first after...a while,” Renjun says, “I didn’t really have somewhere to go, unlike what I said when you asked if I had time.”

Truthfully, Jeno finds that it doesn’t matter that much to him now. Even back then, he had felt that Renjun needed more time to absorb that they really did meet each other after two years, and a little claw in his chest told him that Renjun had wanted to go away at that time. Maybe this sudden confession didn’t bother him that much because he had always suspected it, and because he understands where Renjun is coming from.

“It’s okay, Renjun.”

There’s something that Renjun is afraid of, and Jeno had the slightest inkling of what it could be, so he likes to think that he knows where Renjun’s hesitance in a lot of things comes from. 

“Really?”

“Of course,” Jeno laughs, eyes still at the road, “did you worry a lot if I would be mad?”

“Well, yeah,” he could see Renjun rubbing the back of his own head, so Jeno could guess there’s an embarrassed flush that makes his cheeks red, “I made up an excuse - I told you I had somewhere to be - “

“And I understand, okay? It must have been a lot to you, meeting me after two years - so I know where it came from, okay?”

“Okay.”

The topic gets dismissed as soon as Renjun starts gushing about their destination, its signage within their line of sight by now. 

Jeno had expected it to be beautiful, but he still couldn’t stop himself from being in awe once he got a good look around the entrance to the garden. Someone ushers them with their passes, making sure they’ve made the reservation before coming in to see more of the paradise. Beside him, Renjun is bouncing on his toes, having recovered from the jaw-dropping scenery, his camera bouncing dangerously from where it hung around his neck. 

“Hi,” a voice chirps from behind them. Once Jeno turns, a male shorter than him with a bright shirt and an equally bright cap waves at them, “My name is Dejun, and I’ll be your guide for today.”

They both bow at him as a greeting. Renjun giddily grabs a still astonished Jeno’s hand as Dejun speaks. Their guide says something about the eco park’s history, one that Jeno couldn’t really be bothered about. 

The garden is full of oranges more than there’re greens. Scattered around the pathway are fallen leaves brought by autumn, maybe left to serve as decors instead of sweeping it away. It completes the vibe of an autumn park, one that is admittedly more beautiful than the other places Jeno has seen. There are benches every now and then, and there are a few picture spots that Dejun gladly takes for Renjun and Jeno. 

Jeno would want to hold Renjun’s hand as they stroll around, but the latter is literally unstoppable as he goes and admires every single flower there is, so Jeno just lets it be. 

“It’s currently autumn so some blooms aren’t as beautiful as they are in warmer seasons,” Dejun says while Renjun squats down to look at a particularly pink bush. “But there are plants that only bloom in autumn, so I guess that makes up for it.”

The rest of the tour makes them hike up to small hills, spot ponds, and thin forests. Jeno takes a few pictures on his phone, some he would send to his parents, and maybe to Jaemin too just so he’d get jealous. Jisung would count if only the younger even read his messages. Renjun documents his day too, sometimes with the camera hanging around his neck or with his own phone. Jeno’s been featured in too many pictures and video clips. 

All the while, Jeno watches over the over-excited Renjun since he’s been too busy looking at every spot that he’s not minding his steps anymore. 

“...and the park’s highlight is the butterfly garden,” Dejun says, the said indoor garden just a few steps away. Renjun instantly perks up at this, and Jeno feels his own excitement go up too - it’s what they went here for, after all. “It’s the most popular exhibition in the garden. A lot of people’s reviews only talk about it.”

Before they go inside is when Dejun tells them he’ll be leaving them both at this point. Renjun takes a picture with him - for memory-keeping - before they wave goodbyes. 

Being ushered inside, Jeno takes the chance to hold Renjun’s fingers between his. When he does, Renjun gives him a smile, making the strings of Jeno’s heart vibrate and create a symphony. It’s sweet and warm, a befitting concept being in the middle of an autumn garden.

The butterflies don’t swarm as soon as they’re inside. Jeno watches each kind flutter its own wings against the air, flying from one flower to another. Some have wings with muted browns, some have more colorful ones. The indoor garden is full of flowers from all seasons, natural sunlight beaming brightly from the glass panels of the ceiling, added with a heating system to make it warm for the pretty insects. It looks and feels like summer, a stark contrast from the outside. Although this doesn’t make it any part of the garden less beautiful. 

There are lesser people here too. Jeno guesses that some might have gone here in the morning, 

Renjun gasps beside him and when Jeno turns to look, there’s a small butterfly sticking to the former’s coat pocket. Jeno chuckles, admiring the white-winged species and the way it flutters its wings up and down in slow motion. The butterfly doesn’t hold on to the fabric for too long, and soon flutters away over Renjun’s head. 

“It must have realized I’m not a flower,” Renjun says with a laugh, eyes sparkling in utter amusement. 

Jeno acts to wonder, “But you’re a flower though?” Despite being taken aback at his own corniness, Jeno continues, “The prettiest of them all.”

The blush on Renjun’s cheek betrays his disinterest when he lets out a dismissive snort. Jeno counts it as a win and, unknowingly, blushes too. 

They could be a blushing mess looking away from each other, but Renjun’s hand that holds Jeno’s tighter is telling something. 

“Oh wow,” Jeno hears Renjun gush and feels the tug that comes after, “these are so beautiful.”

Jeno follows him and sees for himself the wide cluster of phlox flowers, bright in lavender like a blanket laid over the ground. It must be an attractive flower to butterflies, since the insects look like sparkles dancing along with the wind with the way they flutter over the flowers. Jeno holds his breath - it is, indeed, beautiful. The kind of beauty that just instantly relaxes his soul, making him easily think that there’s nothing else to worry about but these butterflies. Over the blooms of lavender are butterflies with sanguine colors.

It’s like seeing spring in the middle of autumn. 

“Yeah,” Jeno breathes out, then squats to observe each one of the beauties closer, “so pretty.” Renjun follows down with him, and they spend a good few minutes admiring the sight. He tries to hold out a hand thinking maybe a butterfly would be interested in landing on one of his fingers. Jeno watches Renjun do so, tracing his gaze from the other’s fingertips to his arm, to his just as equally beautiful face.

Renjun looks peaceful like this. It’s so much similar to the times he and Jeno went out to see the moon - an excuse to get out of studying - or when they spent an afternoon sprawled on the carpeted floors of the library on a particularly empty day, too tired to play another round of 20 questions. 

Times like these, again, makes the two years a no big deal - like his third year of college was only two months ago. Like meeting Renjun had been only two months earlier today. 

Jeno lets his heart thump so much that it hurts, letting himself bring Renjun’s appalled face closer to his with a cold hand against a cheek - no hesitation. Jeno wants to kiss Renjun - had always wanted - and although it would always be more ideal to do it while standing, the Jeno of today wouldn’t let an opportunity slip to let Renjun know about his love. And it’s strong - this pull brought by his love. 

And maybe two years ago wasn’t that much apart from the present, after all.

Renjun breaks away before Jeno could even feel his nervous puffs of breath.

■■■■■■

Renjun sleeps through the whole ride back to their shared hotel room.

Jeno had managed to stay sane for the whole drive, feeling a little all on his own even though Renjun is just less than a step away from him. He felt alone, not even playing Renjun’s pre-made playlist on the speakers of the car to serve as his company. It’s just the sound of the engine and the abnormal speed of his heart rate pounding on his ears. 

It’s a lot uncomfortable. The rest of their garden trip turns out to be shorter, leaving no more room for more awkwardness. Jeno doesn’t know if he should be thankful for that predicament. 

Currently, Renjun is still leaning his head against the glass window of the vehicle sound asleep while Jeno is looking at him, on the verge of crying.

It’s been a few minutes since he parked in the basement of the hotel. The only step left is to wake Renjun and let him know they’ve arrived - but Jeno doesn’t even know if he wants to face Renjun like this. The feeling of getting another memory of a rejected kiss makes Jeno's head swirl.

He’d been rushing, totally stepped out of the line Renjun had set and he’d agreed on when they started this relationship. And Jeno is so scared - just thinking about losing Renjun for the second time in this lifetime -

“No, please,” Jeno says to no one in particular, his head falling against the leathered steering wheel in front of him, “I don’t - “

“Jeno?” comes Renjun’s hoarse voice. 

Just hearing his name rolling off of Renjun’s tongue makes Jeno’s heart flip, do pirouettes inside his chest. Usually, it lands gracefully, but now he might as well hear it shatter to the concrete as it breaks. He’s so, so guilty and scared. Guilty of doing things Renjun didn’t want yet, scared that this might be just the same as before - Renjun might walk away after a rejection, both of them not knowing if they’d ever see each other again.

This was a second chance, Jeno had sworn to be better - there was supposed to be no room for mistakes this time - 

A warm sensation covers his knuckles that have been beginning to turn white from how much he gripped on the wheel. Jeno belatedly realizes that it’s Renjun’s own slimmer fingers over his. It’s warm, just as it usually is, but it still manages to prick Jeno’s heart like little needles. He could already guess what Renjun wears on his face, maybe a look of worry and concern in an attempt to gauge out an explanation of Jeno’s sour demeanor. But Jeno thinks Renjun could also know the reason behind all too well to even ask. 

Jeno tries to straighten his back, but it falls to the backrest of his seat with a heavy sigh instead, probably not the sight Renjun wanted to see, because the latter looks away guiltily. Jeno feels it immediately too - the guilt in him doubles like it struck a target. Had he been too caught up in wallowing to realize that Renjun might be just as upset as him?

There are a lot of things Renjun doesn’t say.

“Hey,” Renjun says, turning Jeno’s head so that they look at each other. Jeno tries, but he fails to avoid his eyes. 

“I was just thinking - “

“Of what?”

“A lot of things.” Jeno says, Renjun only blinks. He’s probably waiting for an expounding, but Jeno finds himself not having the strength to talk anymore. This is a little pathetic - it hurts whenever Renjun makes it obvious that Jeno doesn’t know a few things, but it’s so easy to give in to the urge of not wanting to talk.

It’s easy to miss the movement with the way Renjun swiftly pushes himself to Jeno - one second it's only his hand that feels warm, then during the next, the warmth is suddenly everywhere, all over Jeno. Warmth on his chest, his neck - his lips. 

Renjun kisses him straight on the mouth, a firm press of lips over Jeno’s. The initial shock in Jeno washes away when Renjun moves, hands coming up to caress the sides of his neck and his lips - oh _god_ , Renjun’s lips start moving against his, coaxing his numb pair to move, open up the way he does. 

Blooming in Jeno is a kind sense of bliss, so it isn’t hard to return the kiss, welcoming Renjun into his lap when the latter starts to crawl for it. 

Jeno doesn’t think of anything else but this - just Renjun pressing on him with sweetness in between them, the hands that start to pull the strands of his hair, Renjun’s breath that puffs against his cheeks. The heat that encompasses his body takes over the whole of him from the inside until he’s melting. If he tries harder, he would feel his own arms winding their own way around Renjun’s torso, making the distance between them non-existent as if it isn’t already.

He feels Renjun start to pull away, and Jeno lets him, only for the distance to last for a split second before the other dives for another kiss right away.

This time though, it didn’t feel like the first time. Renjun moves fast, harshly sucking and using teeth, fingers almost bruising Jeno’s nape. Jeno tries to catch up, meet fire with fire, chasing for the same bliss that washed over him just moments ago. A little overwhelming, a lot uncomfortable and pressuring.

In place for bliss settles a deepening sense of dread instead. Jeno pulls back to breathe, but Renjun doesn’t let go, only presses harder and harder - 

“Renjun - “ the mentioned doesn’t hold back, and trails his lips to the underside of Jeno’s jaw, biting and making the latter break into a round of goosebumps. The dread doubles, finally snapping Jeno out of the haze that begins to blind them both, “Renjun, hey - ” Jeno grabs Renjun’s wrist with a whimper - the fingers on his nape begin to restrict him. As if he’s been burned by the touch, the sound makes Renjun let go. 

It crashes down like that. 

Jeno searches for Renjun’s eyes by trying to make the boy look at him, then he realizes that he’s been shaking, unable to feel his own heart thumping like a crazed animal. He steadies his breathing like it’s the only thing he could do right at the moment. Renjun doesn’t part from him, only drops his forehead to Jeno’s shoulder. He doesn’t say anything and Jeno has too many thoughts running in his head to do the same. 

It’s so different from running a mile, although it would look the same because of the unsteady breaths and sweat breaking out. The car is cramped and Renjun is all over him, face hidden away from him. Jeno is not sure how he should be feeling - wasn’t that supposed to feel good? Then, how come it feels like something that shouldn’t have happened?

Jeno almost misses it, but maybe it was too impossible to miss the words that Renjun says when he’s literally so close to Jeno’s ear, even if they’re uttered in the smallest of voice, “Isn’t that what we wanted?”

The words stick to Jeno like gum, feels like a punch to his gut, and so he takes a few seconds to digest and process it. A little out of line, he would say if he was sane enough. But this aftermath of a moment makes Jeno’s brain run like a predator chasing prey desperately going haywire at a pace even he can’t decipher how to catch up with. 

“You,” Jeno stumbles out, finally regaining the strength to take Renjun to look at him, “think that’s all I wanted?”

Renjun would have looked so beautiful like this - under a dimmed lighting with glossed lips and hazy eyes. If only they were under different circumstances. He fists on the clothing that covers Jeno’s shoulder, and the latter feels it’s roughness crumpling against his skin. “Wasn’t it?”

“What are you so afraid of?” The words that were supposed to be heavy fall off Jeno’s tongue easily - just one of the few ironies in his life. His voice cracks, because somewhere in the middle of the speech he drops his head on the shoulder of the person he loves so much that it hurts and sobs, staining Renjun’s coat with his ugly and salty tears. 

It’s a bit shameful to cry over this - it had been Jeno’s fault, so maybe he should be apologizing. But also, maybe he’s been masking everything with understanding this whole time. No matter how much Jeno told himself he could do and be different, it was always hard to love when the path didn't open both ways. 

Tears fall helplessly from Jeno’s eyes, not even shutting his eyelids can stop the run. 

“Is it hard?”

Jeno is taken aback when Renjun whispers the question still in that same small voice, although too powerful that it manages to cut through Jeno’s heart. 

Is it hard? Falling for Renjun surely isn’t, it came easy - just one day and he realizes he’d fallen. It’s bliss. What had made it hard, though? Was it hard to last without a single kiss? No, Jeno didn’t want a kiss from Renjun, he could have an eternity’s amount of kisses if Renjun lets him. 

Maybe that was the hard thing - making Renjun let him. 

“Jeno,” Renjun calls out again, but this time, cradling the back of Jeno’s head - quite the alteration of his hold earlier before that moment had transpired, “was it hard?”

There’s no doubt that there are unshed tears waiting to wail from Renjun’s eyes too. Jeno avoids it, looking just makes the heavy weight over Jeno’s heart press deeper. Making Renjun cry is never on his plans. 

“No!” Jeno shakes his head uncontrollably, in a shakier voice, he manages to stumble out the words long overdue, “I just - Why? Why don’t I know a lot of things? Why are you not letting me _have you_ , Renjun?”

Saying it out loud, admitting his defeat at this, makes the dagger that stabs Jeno get dragged across, now he’s being cut in half. Renjun makes no response, not in words at least. There’s only Jeno’s whimpers resounding, his hold on Renjun's waist getting tighter and tighter - he doesn’t want to let go, not when they’re given another chance at this love. 

Renjun pulls away, eyes looking far from Jeno’s. Jeno isn’t sure about what the gesture could mean - Jeno’s not sure about a lot of things. He needs Renjun to tell him something, anything just to caress the pain away, make him forget about this moment when he wakes up in the morning. 

“Tell me. I’ve always wanted you,” Jeno starts to spill the heaviness in his heart, “And I knew you want the same thing too but - why do you feel so distant whenever you look at me?”

Was love supposed to be this type of complicated?

Jeno continues to cry even though Renjun continues to warm his body, even though the latter goes back to nestle himself on Jeno’s shoulder. The touch is a lot gentler now, though maybe not enough to make Jeno feel lighter and assured. Renjun brings them chest to chest together, and it’s so comfortable that Jeno gets scared of what it could mean. For all he knows the hug could be the same as the three pats on the hand that he got two years back. 

“I’m sorry.” Renjun says against Jeno’s hair.

It’s all too similar.

In fear of Renjun walking away, Jeno tightens his hold around him. He tries to calm down, take a big portion of air - breathing in Renjun’s scent even though it’s a little tinged with the car’s air freshener. 

“I’m so sorry,” Renjun says again, this time his voice a little subdued, “I’ll be better, okay? I’m so sorry.”

Jeno shakes his head, cheek rubbing against the fabric of Renjun’s coat. He doesn’t know if he wants a better Renjun, not when he’s never seen the whole of him - how could he wish for the betterment of someone he’s never fully known? If there’s anything Jeno wants, then it would be Renjun’s confidence in him - to the both of them. The assurance of wanting Jeno in his life. 

“I’m sorry,” Renjun kisses the tears away, then stays his lips pressed against Jeno’s cheekbone when he speaks again, “Please don’t cry. I’m sorry, baby.” 

The quivering of lips and the wavering of Renjun’s voice could be felt on his skin. With a more open heart and a deep breath, Jeno chooses to revel in the affection and manages to stop the tears, but his cheeks don’t stay dry. It’s how he realizes that Renjun has been shedding his own tears as well. “I just want to be the best for us - “

“I know,” Renjun firmly holds him, “I know, and that’s where I came wrong. I’ll be braver for you - for us both.” He strokes the corner of Jeno’s teary eye with the pad of his thumb.

Jeno bravely looks at Renjun. He could instantly hear the distinct thumpings of a heartbeat. It could be his, it could be Renjun’s, or it could be both of theirs at the same pace. It’s easy to nod at Renjun’s words, especially when this moment makes both of them vulnerable. Renjun is the enigma he’s willing to take, maybe not just as a challenge to complete but as a part of the whole he’s going for. 

It has always been anything for Renjun to him. 

Renjun’s forehead comes back to Jeno’s own with a faulty chuckle, probably from all the crying and restrained sobs, but in any way, it makes Jeno smile too. It makes Jeno’s heart at ease even at the slightest, just knowing Renjun lets him know of the path he’s planning to take - saying that Jeno’s a part of that, too. He lets himself press a short kiss on Renjun’s lips, even with snot and tears in between. There’s no place for sieved words or actions now.

“I’m in love with you,” Jeno confesses, dragging the three meaningful words slowly against his lover’s lips, an act to let Renjun know of how true it feels to him. “And I could fall all over again with the other things I’ll get to know about you.”

Renjun giggles, “I know.”

Jeno takes the sound with his mouth, letting the giggles echo around the chambers of his heart as he swallows it through another kiss. “You shouldn’t have kissed me.”

“Why?”

“Because I won’t be able to stop now.”

Renjun smiles against the kiss, “Then don’t.”

■■■■■■

Jeno had a dream. 

In the dream, it’s him and Renjun in the middle of an all-too-familiar bench by the lonely street near his old university’s residential area. The sky had been dark, splattered with sparkling white and a full, round moon. It had been shining beautifully, and even more beautiful on Renjun’s face. Jeno is looking at him, fondness blooming in his chest even in a dream. In the dream, Renjun had been the one to shift closer, then closer until they’re pressed chest to chest, lips on lips. In a vague picture of a dream, Jeno holds Renjun like that; in between white sheets, hands entwined, lips not just on lips but on everywhere the skin went. No leniency, but no rush too. It was perfect, a memory in a dream. 

When Jeno wakes up, he expects to be met with a mouthful of peach-scented hair and a weight on his chest - a tangible weight, this time - and it’s a good dream to remember in such a morning. Although he shoots awake when he realizes that there’s no warmth, nor was there strands tickling his chin unlike the way he slept after a blissful night. 

Jeno shifts in bed, brings the blankets around his naked form and sits up - parallel to the bed, where half of the tall window of the hotel room is opened, comfortably sits the man of his dreams (quite literally now). 

Renjun, wrapped in the thin robes provided by hotel service, is sipping on what could appear to be a cup of warm drink while flipping on a random magazine he probably found somewhere in the room. He seems to not notice that Jeno’s awake, because he’s undisturbed. Jeno feels himself smile despite the morning haze coming back to him - he could not help it, not when Renjun is there being a part of his morning. 

He plops back down on the bed in relief, which catches Renjun’s attention immediately. Just like that, he walks to sit beside Jeno’s lying form on the bed and pokes his cheek, “Good morning.”

Jeno, still with slightly heavy eyelids, mumbles, “Good morning.”

“You need coffee,” Renjun chuckles, but before he could move away, Jeno pulls him by the arm. Being stronger than the older, Renjun easily falls on the bed and into Jeno’s arms. 

“What I _need_ ,” Jeno says between Renjun’s shrieks, “is a good cuddle from you.”

The shrieks die down to laughter, “Okay, this feels nice anyway.”

Jeno hums, placing a soft kiss on Renjun’s peach-scented hair after they’ve settled on a much more comfortable position, then in a teasing voice,“Did you have fun last night?”

“Oh god,” Renjun playfully groans and hits Jeno in the shoulder, “Is this how you ask for morning sex - “

Jeno lets out the laughter that bubbles in his chest, the sound filling their room. It’s a perfect morning, and Jeno can’t wait to have more mornings like this. 

They stay like that for a while, breaths matching and hearts at the same pace. No blanket could ever feel warmer than Renjun’s arms over him. Jeno feels at home in Renjun’s chest, just as much as he feels at home when he’s the one wrapping his limbs around Renjun’s lither form. They don't exchange words, just being with each other like this says so much more than their tongues could articulate. 

A few more beats of comfortable silence later, Renjun whispers to Jeno, “I’ve loved too many times, Jen.”

Jeno’s smile drops, and a concerned look replaces it on his visage. He shifts so that he could look at Renjun firmer, to let the other know that’s more than ready to listen, and more than that - to understand. The day before’s talk had brought them up to here; a kept promise of openness as they go along the way. This is just Jeno doing a fraction of his part of the deal.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Renjun chuckles, then continues wistfully, “All those loves didn’t work well. It either broke me or I broke them. I’ve held people back because of love, people held me back because of it.”

Jeno sees it fully now. The manifestation of the fear he had, one that kept him in a distance from Jeno. Renjun could appear brave, and he was, but that was because he has a fear as such. It’s an admirable thing, even more when he opens it to Jeno.

“You,” Renjun pauses to kiss a spot on Jeno’s forehead, “are _so real_ to me, so much like the one for me. It was so easy with you that I got scared of loving you whole in fear of losing you - that if I take this, then I’d lose it, won’t make this last just like all those other loves.”

“You won’t lose me.” Jeno assures him, his own heart breaking for such a part of Renjun. To be scared of love, he wouldn’t understand. For all his life, Jeno had always craved love, always lived with it like a challenge. And although it’s not all unicorns and rainbows, Jeno found joy in its significance, even this love he has for Renjun has given him joy that he chooses to relish in. “We’ll have to make sure of that.”

“It sounds so easy with you,” Renjun laughs lightly, although his eyes turn glossy with unshed tears. Jeno wipes them away before they could even fall, “like it’s something I could do so easily.”

“We’ll have to work hard for that too,” Jeno leaves a kiss on his smooth cheek, “make it easy for each other when it’s hard. For as long as you want to, Renjun.” Firmly, he looks at the love he’s found and is willing to keep, right at the stars and wonder in Renjun’s eyes, “We have so much to learn, you and I.”

Renjun smiles, a tear escaping from an eye. Jeno follows it with a finger, erasing the trail that would stain over the other’s cheek. “We do, don’t we?”

Jeno feels like a bigger life awaits for him as soon as he gets back to the city - a new job and with his life now intertwined with Renjun’s, there’s a new routine he probably should get used to again, and he’s more than willing to face it. Ready or not, he’ll learn on the way.

■■■■■■

_The forest is dark, but it’s never empty like the way Renjun’s heart is. It would never be, he thinks. A life of a deity isn't meant to be a tragedy, much more to the god of fate. Renjun doesn’t know - not anymore - how his heart went from being happy for his people entwined with the strings he made to being envious of the same humans he loves. Maybe it had been there since then, just that Jeno completely opened the slightly ajar door._

_Renjun’s cries into the void, pretending that the moon - his home, his other half - isn’t watching and whispering words of negation or of disagreement. Even the world won’t let him hurt on his own, because he wasn’t meant to be hurt in the first place; a part of the balance he ruined._

_A punishment awaits, Renjun knows. Yongqin’s looming presence behind him is just the signal to get a move on to meet his doom. Somewhere in his thinking, he wonders how the world would be without the presence of the fate in control. How would it be possible for love?_

_Maybe the world will have her own way, she knows a lot of things after all. Even things beyond Renjun. It is disdainful to think of himself being stripped off of his immortality - he would live as human, but what could be the chances of having Jeno beside him in that time? That could be the punishment too; live as human but never get his love returned._

_Wonderful thing, love is. Renjun had witnessed many of it, ignited it within his people’s hearts. What a bliss that had been to him, watching their love grow along the growth of their physical bodies. Fate is twisted because he made it to be. No one needs to understand fate, because what would its worth be if people know it well?_

_It’s twisted that he had consciously weaved himself in the maze he had started. Jeno had changed so many things, Renjun’s reality a part of that._

_“He’s waiting,” Yongqin says, as if Renjun didn’t know that yet, “he has always been waiting, Moon. Since you met the boy - “_

_“Can foxes be more careful with speaking,” Renjun scoffs, but wipes his tear-stained face with a hand. Yongqin takes a pause to look offended, then turns away to lead the way with a flick from each of his nine tails. With whispers of the moon looming beside his ear, Renjun follows the huli jing._

_He isn’t led home within a blink. The dark forest changes to a wider, more colorful field of flowers within this single blink. Not so far from where Renjun stands is the regal palace he’s been into many times - the tall palace of the heaven that made him and his moon. He doesn’t dare move, not wanting to ruin the beauty of the flowers and bushes that go around his waist._

_The sky of paradise looks way better than the world’s. It is more endless, definitely bluer, and the stars appear at the earliest hour of dusk rather than evenings. His moon appears here at night, such a home provides the light that paradise needs - a part of the world’s balance. Each element, each deity had roles to fill, this had been Renjun’s._

_“Beautiful, isn’t it?” behind him, a familiar voice says._

_Renjun didn’t have to turn to know it was Kun, or the Jade Emperor as the people of the world knew him as. He still does move, as carefully as he does, to pay respect to the highest of them all._

_Kun stands as majestic as ever at the pathway of his garden, curling around his shin is one of Yongqin’s nine tails. The god has a careful hold around a pretty flower in between his hand - colorful and regal just as the palace of heaven is. Its petals point outwards gracefully, popping colors that makes it stand out more as if it doesn’t already._

_Renjun moves, feet avoiding stems and making sure he’s stepping on ground and not on flowers, close to the other. If Jeno had called his robes special and expensive, what would that make of Kun’s? The god bears himself gracefully, fully intimidating and powerful as he truly is. The background makes Kun look softer than he is in reality, but Renjun knows better of the sword disguised as a tongue._

_Once he’s near, Kun holds out the flower, gentle as he always is. “It’s a crane flower, as you know. Our people call it the bird of paradise.”_

_He takes it into his palm. Despite being a deity himself, it was always a challenge to figure out the mind of their highest god. Trying to know Kun is like going through a maze that has shifting walls. “It is the bird of paradise, anyway” Renjun says, minding a few cranes from feet away, beautiful form reflecting on the clear waters of the pond._

_Kun only smiles. As if it was a sign, Yongqin disappears into thin air - not without a sassy look towards Renjun, though. Just like that, two deities are left in the middle of the palace garden. Renjun looks over his superior, meeting an indecipherable look. It doesn’t waver Renjun, it has always been like this with the Emperor, so he just waits for the words to come._

_“It’s a colorful flower, so unique and alive,” Kun says, looking at the crane flower on Renjun’s shaking fingers - Renjun acknowledges the characteristics, looking at the culled flower in his hands - then back to his eyes, straight and square, “It symbolizes joy and freedom.”_

_Was it the interlinked minds they have, or was it just an assumption? Either way, it makes Renjun look at Kun in a snap of a finger, eyes wide and an equally disbelieving heart. The tremble goes from his hands to his legs and the entirety of his being, making him lose all the strength. Renjun falls to the ground, holding the flower close to his heart as gently as he could as if one wrong move would break it - break everything and all of his chances._

_He sobs, feeling all the flowers’ joy and their whispers of praises for him. Nothing else registers his ears, everything becomes a background noise to him. Everything except the words of the god before him._

_“No one has ever dared me, deity,” Kun kneels to face him, hand coming up to tilt Renjun’s chin towards him, “No one but you.”_

_Renjun’s tears feel more prominent as they roll down his porcelain cheeks, he doesn’t dare look away, “I do not know what else to say.”_

_Kun smiles and caresses Renjun’s jaw, one he’s done so many times in this large family, “I had been the same. An immortal matchmaker falling in love...it has shaken the world. Gladly, she had been so good to you, god of fate. Even I could not disagree.” The next words echo in Renjun’s head, and he hopes that it would forever stay there even in the next life he’s bound to be blessed with, “When you wake, you will have her mercy and live in love.”_

■■■■■■

On free days, Jeno likes to pluck the string of his guitar, let it emanate lovely sounds that would fill his home. He reads when he’s not too tired of doing that at work, and sometimes spends the day lazy but cozy in bed. There would be binging on movies, annoying Renjun through messages, and sometimes locking himself inside just to get away from whatever Jaemin has planned. 

Today is not much different than most of his free days; he wears his ugliest house clothes and gets lazy after doing rounds of chores, plops on his bed with his acoustic guitar on his lap. Jeno does a few songs, humming the tunes under his breath, fingers working on the strings so easily. 

It’s his form of relaxation, his rest. Being a big homebody, Jeno recharges and replenishes lost energy by staying at home where he feels most of the comfort he could have. Life in the city is always rushing in all directions, and although he’s very much used to it by now, it was instinctual to seek rest from it. 

Somewhere within the day, he lets go of music for a while, opting to do extra work so that Mondays will become less packed and more bearable. It only consists of a couple of tasks, so Jeno lets himself dawdle over each one. 

He’s just about finished with his late lunch, ready to binge on a show Jisung had been shaming him for watching when the knock on his door comes. It’s a little bit earlier than expected, Jeno realizes once he gets a good look on the kitchen clock. Despite that, it’s not an unwelcome presence - even makes the energy buzz and flow until the tips of his hair from the excitement. 

Jeno bounds to the door, and opens it without hesitation. “You know the passcode, why’d you bother with knocking?”

Renjun tackles him in a hug, small bits of snow still clinging onto his hair. Jeno returns it just as tighter, feeling like the day wasn’t that long after all. 

If there’s comfort in his home, there’s a lot more than that with Renjun in it. 

“I’m just being a decent human being,” Renjun says, laughing into Jeno’s chest, “What were you doing?”

“Nothing much,” Jeno replies. He lets Renjun break away to undo his boots, plucking off each snowflake as the older bends down to tend the laces. “How was lunch with Chenle?”

Renjun shrugs off his padded coat, hangs it on the rack by Jeno’s doorway. With a dramatic roll of his eyes, although there’s a tinge of fondness in it, he says, “Annoying, as usual. He’s whining about not having you come with us - I thought he wanted a ‘cousin bonding’.“ 

Jeno watches him make his way inside his apartment, walking towards his bedroom probably to scour clothes to change in. He lets the other move on his own since Renjun has spent so much time here to be comfortable enough. Instead, Jeno settles on the couch to resume on that well-deserved binge watching. 

“Jeno?” Renjun calls out from the other room. 

“Yeah?”

“Why’s my favorite shirt here?” Renjun emerges from the bedroom, looking cozy with shorts and a sweater, while holding up a shirt that Jeno remembers to have washed a few days ago. It really is Renjun’s favorite shirt, and Jeno knows why it’s here lying in his house - they had a mini sleepover a few days back, and somehow, the older one had left the shirt. 

Jeno shrugs, “You left it here last week,” he watches as Renjun trudges to the kitchen probably to make them tea and coffee, “There’re more of your clothes in my closet. You have so much stuff here you might as well move in.”

The latter part was meant to be a joke when it slips out, but when Jeno sees Renjun freeze from where he stands, hands stopping mid-air from grabbing two mugs, he belatedly realizes the weight of his own words. An apology sits on his tongue getting ready to be let out.

Before Jeno says it though, Renjun already recovers from the pause and abandons his drink-making duty to walk to where Jeno is, “We haven’t talked about that.”

That’s true. It’s only been months since they’ve started being together, and there have been no plans for such things yet. At the back of Jeno’s mind, living together had been an idea already, but that wasn’t how their progressing relationship works. They needed time to open up to each other before, much more share a routine that would affect their usual lifestyle more than they expect. So even though Jeno had been planning on asking Renjun, even to start saving for a budget, they’ve never really talked about such. 

Jeno nervously gulps, hoping Renjun won’t get this the other way, and rubs the back of his ear, “Yeah, I was just joking - “

“Can we have a cat?” Renjun brings Jeno's wrist away and plops down beside him, legs curled and body facing Jeno. He curls a hand around Jeno’s neck and brings himself closer, casually, like always. The nervousness from a minute ago washes away, replacing in its place is a sense of relief that Renjun isn’t as weirded out and pressured as Jeno initially thought him to be. 

The familiar warmth courses through Jeno, and he relishes in it. The latter shifts, sensing Renjun’s want to be cuddled. It’s natural for them to be like this now, and Jeno wouldn’t ask for more or less. “Even though I’m allergic?”

Renjun laughs, his chest shaking against Jeno’s firm one. They’re now laying on the couch, fitting both bodies even though it’s cramped, “I can take care of your antihistamines. Besides, you’ve lived your childhood with cats, anyway.”

Jeno hums. The idea of having cats around the house makes him miss home a little, so maybe this proposal wasn’t all that bad, “Okay, we can have a cat.” He pulls Renjun closer, until he’s almost on top. “Do you want to watch something?”

“No,” Renjun shakes his head, “let’s just stay like this.”

Not really opposed to the idea, nor does he have better ones to suggest too, Jeno nods. He chases for the warmth in Renjun, keeps it in his heart. Their position makes it easy for Jeno to be at ease - just without anything else but his thoughts of his and Renjun’s future home, maybe under brighter skies when the summer comes later in the year. Waiting would take a while, but it was important for preparation. Not just for a home, but also their own selves to be ready - a process similar to how they waited for the snow to fall before meeting each other’s family.

The thoughts send Jeno to a light doze, but before he can fall asleep, Renjun’s voice brings him out of the stupor. “In China, people believed in fate through red strings.”

Jeno hums, an encouragement for Renjun to continue, and the latter does, “They say people have strings around their ankle and the other end of it is around their predetermined lover’s own. That the god of fate did that as a way of blessing those who believed in him.”

“Really?” Jeno chuckles, finally looking at the boy in his arms, frail but so strong inside, “In Korean mythology, it’s tied around the pinkies.”

Renjun giggles, the corners of his eyes scrunching as well as the skin on his cheek folds into a pretty dimple - Jeno kisses the spot. He doesn’t stop there, continues leaving small pecks of love all over Renjun’s face, his neck, the mole at the back of his hand. Each one makes the other smile wider and wider, until the happiness between them overflows and they laugh with content. 

Jeno sighs when the laughter tones down to soft smiles. In his arms, Renjun glows. Spring is nearly approaching, and he couldn’t wait to see Renjun under the brilliant sunlight, in the middle of greens and other blooms - a new sight to behold, for sure. 

“What I wanted to say was that,” Renjun begins, making Jeno’s heart flutter when he caresses the latter’s face with those deft and slim fingers, “I want you to be my predetermined lover, string around ankles or on pinkies - in any other way it could take form as. I want it to be you, Jeno. I hope it’s you.”

The statement brings an incipience of more things - more meanings that Jeno promises to keep in his heart. A love like this from Renjun sends his blood flow into a rush, something he didn’t mind at all. There must be a reason behind why everything feels innate and free-flowing with Renjun.

“You’ll have to keep me for a long time to know,” Jeno says with brazenness in his demeanor, although under that is a significant amount of love for Renjun that makes him feel the need to stop himself from shedding happy tears. His thumb caresses the underside of Renjun’s jaw lovingly.

Renjun laughs again. His shoulders shake up and down from the bubbling laughter, “I’d gladly do so.”

Their happy and content hearts beat at the same pace, the thumping could be described as deafening if only their love for each other isn’t much louder. A new road opens for them both, one that is longer and happier now. Around ankles or around pinkies - in any other way it could take form as - Jeno and Renjun share one string, one end for each beating heart.

**Author's Note:**

> title is from tongari’s 25 lives
> 
> prompt #0037: the red thread of fate - the two people connected are destined for each other, bonded by fate itself. This thread may stretch or tangle, but it will never break (yes I have been inspired by weekly idol).  
> I want this to have a more distinct Chinese mythology feel to it. As opposed to a typical soulmate AU with tangible soulmate identifying marks, the red thread of fate is an invisible construct (which means people are more free to believe or not believe in it), so it’s all in the feelings department, the magnetic pull, and the curious nature of fate.
> 
> my blood, sweat and literal tears for months….finally here….cries
> 
> first of all, thank you to admin bom for hosting this fest! it must be a real challenge. you are the true MVP!!!
> 
> to my beta(s), i am forever grateful. it was so much fun doing this with you. your opinions and inputs meant a lot to the growth of wyrtm and my writer self! thank you so much! and my lovely friends to whom i so much scream to about this fic, here you finally have it ;-; 
> 
> this was actually a second-choice prompt, but it didn’t make it less enjoyable in writing. i had so much fun writing this monster of mine, so i will be really glad if anyone of you loves it as much as i do uwu there are a lot of implied things in this fic so once reveals are over, i will be linking my social media accounts here so you can have the chance to ask for clarifications or just plainly scream at me (please do….) *wiggles eyebrows* 
> 
> with all of those said, thank you so much for reading T_____T HUGS!!!!
> 
> edit: hi yes it's me!!! some people were surprised hahaha!!! i didn't expect this fic to be my most supported fic so really,,,thank you so much i've almost hit 1k hits for this T____T i really hope people loved this as much as i did!!!
> 
> thank you [yaya](https://twitter.com/lievrage) for beta-ing!! her help contributed a huge part of this fic uwu and if you want to talk to me, here's my [twitter](https://twitter.com/reonjeolmis)and [cc](https://curiouscat.me/wegotjamsdude)!!! ily all !!!!!


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